If your birthday is this week: It’ll be awesome if you think being stranded at a bus stop in the bad neighborhood at night is awesome.
Aries: You will achieve greatness in using cheese spread.
Taurus: Your homemade pickles don’t come out, probably because you elected to make them cucumber-free.
Gemini: Your therapist tells you to stop sharing so much because you’re so messed up.
Lemini: The pilot will come onto the P.A. system while you’re in mid-flight and ask if anyone packed a parachute for their trip.
Cancer: Your college professor assures you that your grade would be much better if you were better looking.
Leo: The Cookie Monster breaks into your house and demands all the Tollhouse cookies or he will cut you bad.
Virgo: The pizza guy doesn’t not accept your coupon or your marriage proposal.
Libra: You will be sexually harassed by the next app you download.
Scorpio: You discover that having sex in zero G is great, except for all the floating jizz.
Sagittarius: The stars say, punching yourself in the liver is not a good way to prep for Saint Patrick’s Day.
Capricorn: You will capture that missing Pokemon, but the women in the gym’s locker room have you arrested anyway.
Aquarius: You’ll realize that the change machine where you dumped all those quarters is actually just a group of clever girl scouts inside a washing machine box painted to look like a change machine.
Pisces: You will recover from your awesome birthday week and make plans to extend it a full two months.
