These were some of the letters and emails I sent out as my alter ego, hoping to get a ridiculous (or serious) response back.
My letter to Starfleet, the fan club for Star Trek
Dear Starfleet:
My name is Pastor Dom Moccey of the United Faith Church and I have been a huge fan of Star Trek since I was a little boy. I’d often dream of running my own starship (I had a pair of beige pajamas that sort of looked like Kirk’s uniform) and I’d sit up all night star gazing and dreaming of traveling to alien worlds.
You have such an amazing organization! I had no idea it was so huge! I have an idea for my own starship and was wondering if my congregation and I could join your incredible club! We’ve already mapped out some of the details, so I’d thought I’d share them with out.
Our ship is called the USS Jesus and we want to be the first Star Fleet Missionary ship! I’m the captain, my deacon is the first officer and my wife, instead of a science officer, is the religious continuity officer. She’s in charge of making sure everyone has a Bible and that we quote the same scriptures for the appropriate situation.
In the basement of the church, we simulated one mission using folding chairs and the back up altar as the view screen of the ship. A group of Muslim Klingons attacked and disabled all our weapons, but through a group prayer, God struck down the Klingons and the ship was saved! It would make a great episode of Star Trek! I’m even working on a first draft!
Please send me more information on how our “crew” can become official members of your organization! Can’t wait to meet you!
Sincerely,
Pastor Dom Moccey
My letter to the Freemasons
Dear Mr. XXXX:
Hello, my name is Dom Moccey and I’d like to join the Free Masons. Admittedly, I don’t know much about your organization, but I saw a special on the History Channel and I was immediately hooked.
To prepare for possible membership, I’ve studied up on U.S. History and how I might help to manipulate events behind the scenes. I am working on building a robot that looks like Barack Obama. I’m not totally going forward with the project, as I realize you may already have him under you sway. So far I just built the torso, but still, it might prove useful if he’s on vacation and needs to attend some of your secret meetings.
Also, I’ve come up with some redesigns for American currency. The Mason symbols that are on money already are pretty obvious, so I thought with a little redesign, we could hide them better. Like we could put a picture of the president at his desk in the Oval Office and then the “eye pyramid” could be a tiny paperweight on his desk! No one will notice, I’m sure.
These are just a few of the many ideas I have for the Free Masons. I look forward to joining your wonderful organization.
Sincerely,
Dom Moccey
My letter to the Cactus Restaurant
Dear Cactus Restaurant:
Thank you so much for a wonderful meal the other night. I can’t tell you how much me and my family enjoyed your food! Wonderful!
However, I was wondering if you can answer a question for me. We enjoyed your food so much, I wanted to make my own cactus dish. I went out to the back yard, dug up our cactus and attempted to fry it up for a quesidilla.
Unfortunately, I failed to remove all the stickers and I purposely didn’t remove the roots because I thought it would ad more authentic flavor. I fed the concoction to a neighbor and he quickly realized he was eating something with dirt in it and the stickers pierced his face. I think he’s going to sue me.
I figure this probably happened to your restaurant before you figured out the proper way to cook cactus. Can you give me any advice? Also, do you think your waiter would testify if there’s a trial as a character witness on my behalf?
Thanks.
Sincerely,
Dom Moccey
