If your birthday is this week: Your surprise party is a surprise since no one tells you where it is and you won’t hear about it until next week.
Aries: Your “Sandwich of the Week” service gets shut down on tuna fish week.
Taurus: Your Star Wars cosplay isn’t welcomed at the produce stand.
Gemini: The stars say, your pizza will be late because the pizza guy is stopping off to buy his meth.
Lemini: You’ll be mugged by a Muppet who is down on his luck.
Cancer: Don’t go to the zoo, the monkeys will break out and take you hostage.
Leo: You’ll discover that caramel makes a terrible pizza topping.
Virgo: Your Frankenstein monster sues you for child support.
Libra: The doctor says you don’t have a rash, you’re a werewolf.
Scorpio: The escort service will tell you to take a break.
Sagittarius: Your doctor says your healthy, but you really should buy better clothes.
Capricorn: You will discover that selling snowcones shouldn’t be scooped off the front lawn and you should probably have flavoring with it.
Aquarius: Despite your petition, Websters’ will not add “shit weasels” to the dictionary.
Pisces: You’ll eat your weight in cupcakes this week.
