Jan10

Ten Things I Expect From President Oprah

by tonyd on January 10, 2018 at 12:01 am

I’m stuck on a deadline, so here’s Ten Things I Expect From President Oprah.

  1.  Dr. Oz to become Surgeon General.
  2.  Dr. Phil gets even more preachy if you can believe it.
  3.  Oprah runs around the Congress with a microphone taking questions.
  4.  Every State of the Union to feature at least three celebrity guests.
  5.  Tom Cruise gets to go to the White House and jump on the couch every time he finds a new girlfriend.
  6.  You get some healthcare!  And you get some healthcare!  And you!  And you!
  7.  Phil Donahue writes all the policy, but she takes credit.
  8.  Steadman recognized as First “Guy-She-Hangs-Out-With”.
  9.  O Magazine mandatory reading at every public school.
  10.  You get higher taxes!  And you get higher taxes!  And you!  And you!
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Jan08

Binge Watch: Master of None

by tonyd on January 8, 2018 at 12:01 am

I don’t say this often, but Master of None might be the best TV show I’ve seen in a while. I mean, I like Stranger Things, I dig the Trailer Park Boys, but this series— Holy shit. It hits close to home.

Aziz Ansari plays Dev, an Indian actor in New York. I only watched the first two episodes, but already it’s amazing. It kind of picks up where Seinfeld dropped the ball. It’s not that People Are Hell, as it was in Seinfeld (although there’s some of that in there), it’s that people are total pussies today. It sounds weird, but watching Dev go to crazy lengths just to figure out things and then blow off important things just to catch a movie with his friend is, I’m sad to say, me.

I’m always obsessing over food and stupid little things, while I feel like my ancestors did some real shit. Episode two just nailed that and the kind of random, city-dweller frustration that really, a lot of us have even outside the city.

I am totally hooked on this show and can’t wait for more. Big thumbs up for Master of None. See it Bros! Now on Netflix! (Actually, it’s always on Netflix since it’s a Netflix show.)

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Jan07

Your Fratoscope: January 7, 2017

by tonyd on January 7, 2018 at 12:01 am

FratoScopeHeader

If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday trip to Australia takes an ominous turn when you realize your family only bought you a one-way ticket.

Aries:  You will be sexually harassed by a Keebler Elf.

Taurus:  You’ll find a pile of Hobbit skeletons behind the old Ren Faire Grounds.

Gemini:  You’ll find a mini-Cooper in your parking space, so you throw it in the nearest trash can.

Lemini:  You’ll realize that asking for a happy ending at the message center is inappropriate.

Cancer:  It will turn out, the stripper doesn’t have change for your five.

Leo:  You’ll regret teaching that locksmith class to the zoo gorillas.

Virgo:  The stars say, you’ll be surprised by a Yeti and even more surprised when he asks to buy your coat.

Libra:  The librarian will ask you to cease your breakdancing and just check out a book or leave.

Scorpio:  Your favorite porn star won’t return your calls or your dildos.

Sagittarius:  When you arrive at the turkey shoot, you realize only the birds have guns and this may not be what you think it is.

Capricorn:  After a week at your new job, your coworkers pitch in and build you a brand new account on Linked In.

Aquarius:  The Joker will try and buy some Xanax from you.

Pisces:  You’ll take a titty twister too far and end up defacing that store mannequin.

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Jan06

Ten Things I Learned About Being Italian

by tonyd on January 6, 2018 at 12:01 am

Hey Bros!

I gotta book about Italians coming out in March!  Here’s ten things I learned.  It’s a little sneak peek into my research!

  1.  There are way more types of pasta than even I thought.
  2.  The tomato didn’t reach Italy until the 1500’s.
  3.  Italians didn’t invent pasta.
  4.  The Chinese didn’t invent pasta.
  5.  Italians were interred with the Japanese in the U.S. during WW 2.
  6.  Lady Gag has a really Italian real name.
  7.  Besides Popes, there were Anti-Popes.
  8.  Italy wasn’t a country until the mid-1800’s.
  9.  The Sicilians picked their own king after overthrowing the French.
  10.  The oldest Italian festival in the U.S. has been held in Hammonton, NJ (where my dad is from) since 1875.

 

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