If your birthday is this week: You emerge from your food coma in time to enjoy birthday cake.
Aries: You will double the number of Christmas party invites you get this year because zero times two is still zero.
Taurus: Making King Crabs does not go well, as the crabs get a hold of your knives and end up in a stand off with the cops in your kitchen.
Gemini: You’ll panic at the Popsicle store and buy orange.
Lemini: Your uncontrollable giggling won’t lighten the mood at either funeral you attend this week.
Cancer: This week, the baby you shoved on Black Friday ten years ago will be back for revenge.
Leo: You’ll realize no one wants to eat ice cream flavored with new car smell.
Virgo: The stars say, stuffing your turkey with leftover Halloween candy was efficient and delicious.
Libra: You will be overcome by a sense of profound procrastination and find yourself unwilling to express it.
Scorpio: Your sex face scares the neighbors, so how about shutting those curtains?
Sagittarius: The girl scouts will leave you increasingly threatening letters until you pay for those cookies.
Capricorn: Turns out, that guy from the supermarket isn’t stalking you, he’s just overly concerned whether or not your produce bags will hold.
Aquarius: You’ll clean your house and discover the roommate you’ve always suspected was there.
Pisces: Turns out, building a throne of donuts doesn’t get you chicks, just ants.