If your birthday is this week: Your friends tell you that your surprise birthday party was great, but that it was a shame you had to work that night.
Aries: A strange person will buy you a beer and then demand that you come see their band.
Taurus: You’ll buy an Aries a beer which you’ll take as a perfect time to promote “The Mondo Diaper Experience”.
Gemini: Your Canadian accent doesn’t convince the border patrol and you are sent back to the U.S. without Maple Syrup.
Lemini: The stars say, those construction workers aren’t whistling at you, they’re trying to warn you of the bricks they dropped.
Cancer: You’ll learned that the chicken crossed the road to hand you a subpoena.
Leo: You’ll be featured on the news, but the police sketch will barely look like you.
Virgo: Due to a mix up at the supermarket, you’ll accidentally take home the wrong groceries and the kid that was sitting in the cart.
Libra: After two chicken wings, you’ll realize you should cook them and take them off the chicken ahead of time.
Scorpio: Your iPhone will become inoperable after being soaked in anal lube, but you’ll recover some amazing pics.
Sagittarius: You’ll receive the Nobel Prize for eating pizza.
Capricorn: Superman will stop by your house to use your bathroom and you’ll notice he didn’t wash his hands.
Aquarius: You’ll discover that you’re allergic to success.
Pisces: Your dog will demand a raise.
