If your birthday is this week: Your Internet friends all wish you a Happy Birthday, but only if you upvote them.
Aries: You will be beaten by a group of Democrats for your insufficient criticism of the GOP Healthcare plan, fortunately there’s still Obamacare.
Taurus: Your sandwich will offer you three wishes if you don’t eat it, but you’re really hungry and wish sandwiches are the best.
Gemini: The stars say, pack your bags because no open wants to see open suitcases lying around your house.
Lemini: Be nice to that up and coming co-worker, that way when they replace you, they’ll never see the revenge coming.
Cancer: You’ll got to Starbucks and tell the barista your name is Pierre for no reason.
Leo: A mummy will wander into your back yard again and eat your tomatoes.
Virgo: A Leo will stop by your Home Depot for Mummy Repellent.
Libra: You will suddenly become indecisive about whether or not to get a happy ending at the car wash.
Scorpio: Your job giving happy endings at the car wash has an unexpected twist.
Sagittarius: Your idea for giving happy endings at your car wash makes you millions before you’re arrested.
Capricorn: You’ll arrest some maniac that offered happy endings at his car wash.
Aquarius: Don’t put off today, because tomorrow it will be yesterday.
Pisces: You’ll make a tomato salad, but insist you can still taste the Mummy Repellent.
