Jun02

Rewritten Headlines: McBait to Sex Town

by tonyd on June 2, 2017 at 12:01 am

Fishermen Make Fish Unhealthy

Pizza Major Starts Career Right

Mascot Costume Really Hot

Company to Raise Prices

Sore Loser Still Sore

Homer Goes Hi Tech

Worst Version of Ocean’s 11 Ever

Slowest News Day Ever

Guy Who Makes Awesome Water, Bummed Out

Town Getting Down

 

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May31

Twitter in Focus: Stephen Merchant

by tonyd on May 31, 2017 at 12:36 am

Hey Bros!

Welcome to Twitter in Focus where media comes to die!  Today’s contestant is Stephen Merchant, voice of Terry in Dream Corp and Conrad in that episode of the Simpsons.  Let’s see what he’s tweeting.

@StephenMerchant

May 5th:  “It needs to be reworked by pop icons? How’s these apples? ”

Too soft for me.  Needs more of an edge for a spy movie.

May 5th: “Yes, any half-developed ape with opposable thumbs knows I’m right”

As a half-developed ape, I am forced to agree.

May 5th:  “‘And why is gadget nerd even on this call? Get back to the basement'”

C’mon, Q was very key in the Roger Moore days.  He’s was mostly gadgets at the end.

May 6th:  “Visiting , currently shooting Season 2. danielstessen ”

Cool show.  Looking forward to the new season.  Very much stoner material.

May 8th:  “I listen to the most scientificcy edition of I can find. Brainiacs chatting lulls me to sleep.

We don’t have that in America, but most TV here will lull you to sleep.

May 8th:  “I’d like to point out I’m an avid listener and have now heard most episodes 2 or 3 times”

Yeah, I’m like that with TV when I’m writing this.  Listening to it, but not watching it.

May 16th:  “Cheers for all the support and kind words about Caliban. Watch Noir, included w/… ”

That’s you?!  Had no idea until now.  Gotta see that movie.

May 22nd:  “Wow. Twin Peaks revival utterly magnificent. In age of great TV, proves he was, and still is, light years beyond everyone else.”

Aw, man.  So much to watch.  I’ll have to find that on my on-demand thingee.

May 29th: “TV highlight of the week. Spoiler alert? (Don’t know what it spoils exactly) via”

Looks kinda slow, but Twin Peaks always had weird pacing.  Still gonna watch tho.

Okay, let’s rate Stephen’s tweets.  Lots of responses to fans I couldn’t post here.  I give him a 9 for Mustness, a 9 for Insanity and a 10 for Style.  That’s an overall score of 9.3.  Very high.  Follow Stephen.

And if you have a suggestion for Twitter in Focus, email me here.

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May29

Ira’s Drunken Recipes: Guacamole

by tonyd on May 29, 2017 at 12:23 am

Ingredients:  6 Avocados, garlic powder, white vinegar, cilantro, onion, tomato, lime, tequila, salt, one girlfriend, one bag of nachos.

Step 1:  Get into a fight with your girlfriend.

Step 2:  Drink half a bottle of tequila.

Step 3:  Start eating nachos to get something in your stomach.

Step 4:  Decide that nachos need guacamole.

Step 5:  Get out garlic powder, white vinegar, an onion, tomato and the rest of your lime and salt.

Step 6:  Dice onion and tomato.

Step 7:  Mix ingredients.

Step 8:  Realize you have no avocados.

Step 9:  Place tequila bottle in paper bag.

Step 10:  Take bus to supermarket while sipping tequila.

Step 11:  Stagger into supermarket and buy avocados.

Step 12:  Finish bottle of tequila.  Pass out waiting for bus.

Step 13:  Wake up after buses stop running.

Step 14:  Walk back to campus, realize the avocados are at bus stop.

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May28

Your Memorial Day Fratoscope

by tonyd on May 28, 2017 at 12:01 am

FratoScopeHeader

If your birthday is this week:  You get a lot of leftover barbecue supplies as gifts.

Aries:  You will meet someone new on the beach and fall in love, which is weird because they mug you.

Taurus:  You will eat a hot dog with a record number of mystery ingredients.

Gemini:  The stars say, your beer stand is impressive, but inappropriate at your grandmother’s.

Lemini:  Don’t keep looking for trouble, with your personality, someone’s bound to start a fight with you sooner or later.

Cancer:  Order the tacos.  You can’t go wrong with tacos.

Leo:  You will be cast in Fiddler on the Roof against your will.

Virgo:  Your Netflix an chill turns into Netflix and an argument about what the Hell is there to watch on Netflix.

Libra:  This week, you’ll be struck by at least three McNuggets in three separate incidents.

Scorpio:  Amazon preemptively labels all your purchases NSFW.

Sagittarius:  You will taste a new flavor of bicycle.

Capricorn:  Your grill skills come in handy when you run out of kerosene at the barbecue and are forced to turn the pool into a fire pit.

Aquarius:  Your pork intake will, once again, exceed your original body weight at the beginning of the barbecue.

Pisces:  You will try to Rock the Casbah, but the Casbah owners already fixed their foundation so that wouldn’t happen again.

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