If your birthday is this week: For future reference, other people are supposed to throw the party for you and yell “Surprise”, not the other way around.
Aries: Your ventriloquist dummy steals your girlfriend.
Taurus: You will be interviewed by a very intense mime.
Gemini: You will discover that your cat has a gambling problem.
Lemini: Your friends will hold an intervention for you because no one likes your jokes.
Cancer: This week, you’ll drink a record amount of blue food dye and poop like a Smurf and pee like a leprechaun.
Leo: Antifa accidentally protests at your house and burns down your mailbox.
Virgo: You and a co-worker solve the mystery of the cubicle pooper.
Libra: You will invent a way to juggle scoops of ice cream.
Scorpio: You’ll discover that those prudes in the park want you to shave your pubic hair at home.
Sagittarius: The Amish will build your tool shed, but only if you agree never to buy power tools.
Capricorn: Your fantasy LARP involving the Kardashians meets with mixed reviews.
Aquarius: You will giggle inappropriately as the word aspergers.
Pisces: You watch too many episodes of Archer, so do you want to not stop quoting Archer? Because that’s how you never stop quoting Archer.
