If your birthday is this week: Your birthday gifts will still smell like the dumpster where they were found.
Aries: You will accept a collect booty call.
Taurus: You will wake up in a mascot costume that smells like vomit.
Gemini: The stars say ask for that raise, your boss could use a good laugh.
Lemini: You’ll be forced to wash yourself with Wet Naps.
Cancer: You’ll buy some shit on Craigslist that you realize you sold two years ago at a yard sale.
Leo: You’ll build an obscene Lego sculpture.
Virgo: Dr. Phil will lose his shit ahead of you in line for the cashier at Wal Mart.
Libra: You’ll witness a new crime.
Scorpio: You’ll finally find out what it’s like to copulate with a statue in a park.
Sagittarius: This week, you’ll find some spare change on the floor of the Peep Show.
Capricorn: Your date will take you to a naked clown rodeo.
Aquarius: Your CrackerJack prize will be crack.
Pisces: Get ready for a wild, woolly adventure at the dry cleaner.
