If your birthday is this week: You won’t get any Oscars, but you will get a back rub on a subway car from a random guy named Oscar.
Aries: You’ll realize that all your Oscar picks are episode of Spongebob Squarepants.
Taurus: You may want to avoid strange women in airports that spray stuff in your face, unless you’re not the brother of a North Korean dictator, in which case you’ll probably have waffles or something.
Gemini: You’ll get mugged in the middle of surfing.
Lemini: The stars say, read a book cause the stars think you’re kinda dumb.
Cancer: Despite the ads you took out in Variety, Independence Day: Resurgence fails to win Best Picture.
Leo: You will run into Ryan Gosling in a public bathroom, but he won’t appreciate your spontaneous reenactment of La La Land.
Virgo: You will find a culinary use for bubblegum in your sushi recipe.
Libra: You will not be on the Price is Right, as they insist you wear pants.
Scorpio: You will get so laid this week, unless you’re Jimmy Kimmel, in which case, you’ll just suck.
Sagittarius: You’ll make the world’s first carpet-flavored milkshake.
Capricorn: Your attempt to mail yourself to Emma Stone horribly backfires and the package ends up at Merryl Streep’s house.
Aquarius: You’ll borrow some money from your imaginary friend.
Pisces: Your rough week is finally over and now it’s nothing but clear sailing! Good think you write your own horoscopes!
