If your birthday is this week: Your car’s GPS will keep leading you into a bad section of town until you put some crack in your gas tank.
Aries: You will attempt to surf while eating a cupcake, but you’ll drop the cupcake.
Taurus: You’ll take out a small loan and go to the movies.
Gemini: You’ll have some French Toast, which is pretty good, but that’s about it for highlights of the week.
Lemini: Someone’s gonna poop on you this week, so don’t bother buying those pants.
Cancer: This week, get ready to use Salsa dancing to get you out of two wildly different situations.
Leo: You’ll star in a KFC commercial because everyone else has.
Virgo: The stars say, a good friend of yours will be encased in Jello.
Libra: The person ahead of you at the Dunkin Donuts will take forever just to order coffee.
Scorpio: Your line of baseball cards will contain far too many pictures of genitals.
Sagittarius: You’ll change your underwear at least twice this week.
Capricorn: As they say, don’t take any wooden nickels, but they never said anything about wooden bitcoin.
Aquarius: Your prop comedy will get you thrown out of the public library.
Pisces: You’ll see Jesus in a pizza, but hey, it’s pizza.
