Movies have become frightfully expensive to see in the movie theater. Plus I still haven’t figured out a good way to smuggle in a pizza into the theater. I have to be picky. I could buy an entire pizza for what a movie costs and if the choice is between deliciousness and a cinema suck-fest, I know where I’m going. Here now is Why I’m Not Seeing These Movies.
The Wolverine: The Wolverine should be in a better The Movie. I mean, are they trying to make me hate this character? How many chances do you get to screw this up before it’s over? Quite frankly, the same things that annoyed me in the comic book are now annoying me in the movies. Yes, Hugh Jackman looks a lot like Wolverine. Get over it, fanboy. At best, I’m going to end up watching this at one of my friend’s house who isn’t completely jaded by the comics or film medium.
The To Do List: Oh, a coming-of-age story you say? Why, I’ve never heard of that! How unique and original! And it takes place in high school. What a unique place to set it! Oh, my! My head is exploding with just thinking how rare and unusual this movie will be!
Jesus Christ, seriously?
The Conjuring: I can hear the reviews already. “The Conjuring fails to conjure up a scare.” “Maybe the makers of this movie should’ve conjured up an original idea.” When the pitch of the movie seriously involves the use of the term “paranormal investigators”, I’m out.
The Smurfs 2: No. Look, can’t we all agree that kids don’t need new movies. They’re kids. They can watch the same shit we did. Why even make new ones? Just hear me out studios. It won’t cost you anything to trot out the same movies over and over again. You’ve got at least 8 years worth of cinema chum, just rotate it. Let the audience turn over and walah! You’ll save a bundle.
Planes: Are you fucking kidding me? You’re running out of inanimate objects to bring to life, Disney/Pixar. What’s left? Let’s see, Boats! (He’s a little tug boat with a big heart!) Trains! (Meet the little engine that could!) Bikes! (Combines the Xtreme Games with a Disney/Pixar movie!) And after two of those, you can expand the Bike universe by doing Skateboard! Handscooter! Maybe bring in the older demo with Segway! and Hover-round!
You’ll get my ticket money…in Hell! Speaking of which…
R.I.P.D.: Does Ryan Reynolds have to be in everything? I can just hear this pitch: It’s M.I.B. with ghosts! Why is it that plots that used to be one episode of a TV show or a series, not get turned into entire movies? Am I crazy? Am I the only one that’s seen this plot like a million times? Jesus Christ, if you’re going to do something from TV at least do it better or bigger or something. I guess there’s more effects and bigger stars, but jeez. Have you seen the trailer? I mean, I don’t think you need to be a screenwriter to fill in the rest of the scenes and know what’s going to happen. I can hear the reviews, “R.I.P.D. is D.O.A.”
You can write the rest.
Toddler Starting Mid-Life Crisis Early
Actress Announces Plans to Never Appear in a Tom Cruise Movie
Congress Anxious to Bring Shitty Legislation Off-Planet
Future Terrorists Promise Not to Shoot Americans With Own Guns Later
Murdering Not Considered “Cool” in High Schools Anymore
90’s Band Still Together For Some Reason
Hey Bros!
Welcome to Twitter in Focus where media comes to die. Today contestant is Family Guy writer, Travis Bowe. Let’s see if he tweets match up to the show.
July 2nd: “I don’t need to go wine tasting I already know I like it.”
Good point. But it is a chance to drink the wine. Peter did that in an episode I believe.
July 3rd: “The only thing I’ll eat for breakfast is steel cut oatmeal. What is steel cut oatmeal?”
First rule of steel cut oatmeal, don’t talk about steel cut oatmeal.
July 3rd: “Workplace tip: Make people think you’re cool my referring to your weekend as “my adventures.””
I could see “The Adventures of Travis Bowe”. Something animated. And you have a talking pet. Probably a lemur.
July 3rd: “Dwight Howard should just sign with the Yankees and get it over with.”
Or the Mets. Can’t do any damage there.
July 3rd: “Hat https://vine.co/v/hWK3mb6mz2I”
That’s a good Vine. I gotta get that app.
July 3rd: “My mom’s catchphrase is: “where are my glasses?””
Mine is “Have you gotten a job yet?”
July 5th: “People on Friends had a lot of leisure time.”
And enough money to live very comfortably in New York.
July 7th: “”We’re calling you up to the big leagues.” “Nah. I have a cool apartment here. Nice little floor plan. I’m gonna stick with AAA.””
Hey, good feng shui is hard to find.
July 7th: “”Shaken… and stirred.” Dumb James Bond”
“Do you expect me to die?” Even dumber James Bond.
July 8th: “It’s a good idea to let kids pre-board flights. You want those little guys on there as long as possible.”
Plus if the plane talks off without you, you’ll be kid-free to meet with your lawyers.
July 8th: “I can’t believe Andy Murray won Wimbledon. That other guy was no Djokovic.”
You really do write for Tosh.O.
Okay, let’s rate Travis’s tweets. Pretty solid stuff, could use some more behind-the-scenes, but otherwise nice. I give Travis a 7 for Style, an 8 for Mustness and a 9 for Insanity. That’s a solid 8 overall. Follow Travis.
And if you have a suggestion for Twitter in Focus, email us here.
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