If your birthday is this week: Your happy birthday wishes are all automatic updates from friends you no longer speak to on Facebook.
Aries: You will be insulted by an anonymous person on the Internet and you’ll take it like a bitch.
Taurus: Your record album drops, but no one buys it. You really should’ve released on something other than vinyl.
Gemini: The talking tree in your yard demands that you get your dog to stop peeing on it or he’ll fall on top of your car.
Lemini: There will be a knock at your door and a flaming bag of poop. You cleverly avoid stepping on it and your house burns down.
Cancer: Lindsay Lohan will stop by. Unfortunately, it’s to borrow your car for a liquor store robbery.
Leo: The new restaurant you try won’t be very good. Mostly because it’s really a laundry mat.
Virgo: This week, you’ll be visited by a vampire. He won’t bite you, but he does order a lot of porn off your cable TV system.
Libra: You will sue your friend after buying her an expensive wedding gift that she refuses to return after getting divorced two weeks later. Good for you.
Scorpio: You will spend the next few weeks recovering from your sexual encounter with the Hulk.
Sagittarius: The stars say, “Run! It’s a hit!”
Capricorn: You will sing the Chili’s baby back rib song in public, so no one objects when the cop tasers you.
Aquarius: You will discover the squirrels are plotting against you, but fortunately their snipers can only drop acorns on you.
Pisces: You weekend will be full of sushi and webcomics. Only one will give you mild intestinal discomfort.
