Tony D visits the historic town of Haddonfield, NJ.
Tony D visits the historic town of Haddonfield, NJ.
Hey Bros!
Welcome to Twitter in Focus, where media comes to die. Today’s contestant is writer of Family Guy, Artie Johann. Funny writer: will his tweets stack up? Let’s find out.
June 8th: “A Sound That May Play On Loop In Hell: The first pull from a roll of duct tape.”
Unless you’re a serial killer, in which case that’s probably a pleasant sound.
June 8th: “No race of people points curiously into the sky better than Asians.”
According to Godzilla movies, but I think it’s mostly CGI.
June 9th: “A lot of people who aren’t deaf look deaf.”
That sounds like a rejected Family Guy joke.
June 9th: “All some people have are Dave Mathews concerts.”
That’s sad. Except for that one good song. The fans of Nickelback don’t even have that.
June 10th: “Someone needs to tell college girls that shaving their pussy doesn’t count as working out.”
I don’t know, that’s a close call. Most should video tape and post it on the Internet so unbiased people can judge.
June 11th: “Some people are pretty fucking proud of cherries.”
It is tough to grow those fucking trees.
June 12th: “I feel like most philosophical journeys end up with jerking off and going to sleep early.”
Assuming you can find some video of pussy shaving.
June 12th: “I will out wrestle any grandmother.”
I dunno, Sarah Palin would be kinda tough.
June 13th: “When you’re hungry it’s fun to sing “Cheese Enchilada” to the tune of “Smooth Operator”.”
Oo, that works. Now I’m hungry.
June 13th: “Who gets in trouble if your friend’s cat scratches your dick? The cat or you?”
You are responsible for the cat.
June 14th: “If you go for a jog and don’t post it on Facebook, have you really jogged?”
No. This is why the Jogville game never took off.
June 15th: “As a houseguest, it’s considered rude to not wipe your butt on their bed.”
That is totally a Peter Griffin move.
June 15th: “A lot of assholes love their lawn mower.”
Yeah, I never enjoyed King of the Hill either.
June 16th: “Please pray for all the uncles out there who suffer from the horrible disease called “All Caps Texting.””
We have a lot of virtual screaming to do.
June 16th: “It’s weird when bands wear shorts.”
Yeah, especially when it’s the Rolling Stones. You don’t want to see that much gray body hair.
June 17th: “Found the best cure for a hangover: murder everyone you meet for one day.”
As long as you murder them quietly.
June 17th: “Found the best cure for a hangover: go to a stranger’s funeral.”
It would be quiet.
June 17th: “Found the best cure for a hangover: cum forever.”
Wow, how did you find THAT out?
June 17th: “Found the best cure for a hangover: start a series of small fires.”
You can combine this one with the first one.
June 18th: “Somebody should make a documentary about injustice.”
Yeah! Wait a minute…
June 18th: “No one will ever be as tired as dads waking up from naps.”
It’s true. It’s where they get extra REM.
3 hours ago: “My favorite way to shit is by exercising.”
Yeah, but it makes for a very stinky treadmill.
Okay, let’s rate Artie’s tweets. He’s working it hard. Gotta give him credit. I certainly see the Family Guy style in his tweets. I give him 8 for Mustness, 9 for Insanity and 10 for Style. That’s an overall score of 9. Artie’s at the top of his game, bros. Follow him.
And if you have a suggestion for Twitter in Focus, email us here.
Prometheus is not a masterpiece, but it is an interesting science fiction film. There aren’t many films that really explore the future, rather than make it a backdrop for whatever Hollywood action film is coming out. So when the critics describe this movie as “mind blowing” it’s not too far an exaggeration for certain scenes.
In this prequel to the Alien franchise, two scientist uncover ancient civilizations pointing to a star map. An expedition is launched to find a cluster of planet alluded to in these maps where you are finally going to get an explanation of the Aliens’ origins and possibly that of Mankind’s.
Ridley Scott’s film is beautifully shot, but the problems in the overall piece undermine it pretty severely. Although the characters of Shaw (Noomi Rapace) and David (Michael Fassbender are pretty interesting, most of the others are pretty two dimensional, with little dialogue or painful dialogue. Sean Harris, who plays the geologist Fifield, might as well be called “Panicky guy that’s going to be killed gruesomely”. That’s how bad the script telegraphs the character’s action the moment he hits the screen.
It’s like screenwriters each wrote different scenes in the movie and didn’t quite read all the others to make them jibe. Fifield, in an early scene tells off another character, making it clear he isn’t interested in being his friend. And yet, later, they are palling around. When these two dumbasses encounter some alien dead bodies, they freak out. When they hear about the sensors encountering life forms they freak out. But when actually confronted by a life form what do they do? They attempt to interact with it! It’s a pretty annoying contradiction.
Fortunately, they aren’t the two main characters. But since their actions directly impact the rest of how things pan out, they might as well be. Another problem is that this movie suffers from what I call “Horror Movie Cellphone-ism”. That’s when, in any horror movie, the first thing that happens is that all the cellphones mysterious go out. In this case, communication is blocked at all-too-convenient times. Characters do not communicate.
Another gaping error is this: the characters are supposedly working on an extremely important project for the Company. Anyone that works in a corporation can tell you that corporate managers love teambuilding exercises. They are obsessed with putting together people that will work well. Now that doesn’t always work for a variety of reasons, but it certainly would eliminate the rather obvious character flaws that anyone with TWO EYES AND EARS could see in this movie.
And Charlize Theron? Well, I think she had a total of about 40 lines? Although she’s sort of an important character, she doesn’t get to do much other than brood and lord over the other characters. Guy Pierce plays the ancient Company owner, which is weird, because why not hire an actor who is actually that old?
So bottom line, the movie has a compelling, sci-fi premise, cool effects and an interesting, thought-provoking payoff. But to get there, you have to wade through a good bit of Hollywood hackery that the greenest of the green scriptwriters could’ve avoided. It’s a shame, because Noomi Rapace is extremely Ripley-esque in her battle to stay alive. If you’ve got a decent HD TV, I say, this is a rental.
It’s hard to rate this movie. The effects were badass, but the script was poor executed, the premise was mind blowing, but some of the events contradict themselves. You do find out the origin of the Alien and that alone is almost kind of worth it. I give Prometheus 5 keggers out of 10. It’s an almost equal amount of pain and pleasure.
If your birthday is this week: The paternity test comes back. Congrats! This day means something to you now!
Aries: Your dad will love the tie and the stripper you sent to deliver it.
Taurus: The stars say, your kids are only throwing you a party so the cops can finally corner you.
Gemini: America’s Got Talent will ask you to never audition for them.
Lemini: You’ll be mauled by a bear on the way to work. Sorry.
Cancer: This week your boy scout training pays off. Someone will need a patch sewn to something.
Leo: Your ho’s will buy you a Father’s Day card because you are their “Big Daddy”. You’ll pimp slap them anyway.
Virgo: The mailman stops by to shake your hand for some reason, it makes your mom cry.
Libra: Stop sending yourself a card for today, it’s a dead giveaway that you own a time machine.
Scorpio: You will discover that sending out mass emails for your Swingers parties is a bad idea when your dad shows up with your mom.
Sagittarius: Your dad will spend the day lecturing you on what a “failure” you are. Maybe you should get him out of that well.
Capricorn: Your dad will appreciate his Father’s Day gift. He needed a new crack pipe.
Aquarius: The stars say, stop faking your own death. Your kids are too old for child support now anyway.
Pisces: On this day, you’ll remember your dad and your home planet fondly. Why didn’t he just get into the rocket too?
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