I hated flying even before the TSA and 9/11. I remember being on a flight coming in from Atlanta during the summer of 2001. It was hot and the pilots left the cockpit door swinging open. It was clanging and clanging because there was a storm and some turbulence, so it just kept swinging around while I was trying to sleep. So I looked up and I thought, “They should close that. What if a stewardess trips and staggers on the controls! She could kill us all!”
Now the searches are so god damned fucking invasive. I was pissed off when they made me throw out a soda once. Fuck flying. And Christ, don’t get me started on the TSA. Here’s Ten Things You’ll Never Hear Them Say.
1. “Sir, can I help you with your bag?”
2. “Don’t worry, you’re not going to miss your flight.”
3. “Search your toddler? Are you kidding? Why would I do that?”
4. “You need four years of training before you can wear this uniform.”
5. “That beeping means you’re all clear.”
6. “You’ve been randomly picked, but, uh, fuck it. You seem cool.”
7. “Hey, it’s Dick Cheney. Go get the anal probe.”
8. “I don’t know what my problem is. I just can’t seem to gain any weight.”
9. “I’ve stopped seven terrorists today.”
10. “We’ve all been fired. Go wand yourself, asshole.”
