Tony D visits his favorite local bakery.
Tony D visits his favorite local bakery.
If your birthday is this week: You will wake up and realize that someone has peed your pants.
Aries: The stars say stop bugging them. They can’t tell the future. They’re just burning balls of plasma for Christ’s sake.
Taurus: This week, you manage to complete vampire-proof your house. Unfortunately, the vampires have some banker friends and they foreclose on you.
Gemini: Remember those weird birds from the Dark Crystal? You’ll find one of their beaks in your General Tso’s Chicken.
Lemini: Wearing a suit to the Occupy Wall Street protest saves you from getting pepper sprayed by the cops, but not by getting patchouli sprayed by hippies.
Cancer: You will get a sensual back massage from Joe Biden.
Leo: You will go to shake up the salad dressing and realize you left the top on loosely. You’ll hose down half your dining room table with Kraft Thousand Island.
Virgo: Your day out to go apple picking turns into a shoot out at a meth lab. Next time, hit up Wikipedia about apple picking. You’re obviously doing it wrong.
Libra: You will find your glove compartment full of Jello.
Scorpio: You’ll pass out during the orgy and dream of lying in bed alone.
Sagittarius: The stars say, your garbage men will sing in four part harmony as they take away your trash. They still won’t help separate your recyclables though.
Capricorn: This week, the medical experiment you’re participating in goes into a lockdown quarantine just in time for a Breaking Bad marathon on AMC!
Aquarius: You’re not paranoid, the crickets are plotting against you, but they’re still just crickets, dumbass.
Pisces: You’ll take your revenge, but did you really want the last slice of pizza that badly?
As anyone that knows me knows, I could care less about sports. The movie, Moneyball, however, is awesome. Based on the novel by the same name, Moneyball is no about how a struggling team goes from the bottom to the championship, but how professional sports worked, works and was changed by guys like Billy Beane.
Beane is played by Brad Pitt, who carries the movie as effortlessly as your waiter brings you your steak. He’s joined by Jonah Hill (in a nice understated performance), Phillip Seymour Hoffman (who plays the Oakland A’s coach and Chris Pratt (from Parks and Recreation) who plays one of the key players. The plot is this: The Oakland A’s can’t compete with the New York Yankees because the Yankees keep buying up all the best players. However, Jonah Hill’s character, Pete, figures out (using a previous formula developed by Bill James) that the league has several undervalued players. By applying stats to the game and the choices of players, the Oakland A’s can put together a championship team with a lean budget. It’s a process now used by almost everyone in the league today.
Parts of the movie do tend to linger on Pitt for too long. This isn’t Major League. It’s all about Pitt, not the team. But the script by Aaron Sorkin (of The Social Network) and Steven Zaillian (of Gangs of New York) just zips right along. Even if you’d rather watch the Simpsons than baseball, I think you’re going to enjoy this movie. And for baseball fans, it’s an absolute must. I give it 8.5 keggers out of 10.
Time for you Rewritten Headlines, bros! Why read the news, when Rewritten Headlines can summarize what happened without tact in seconds!
Real: Bank of America to Charge $5 Monthly Fee for Debit-Card Usage
Rewritten: Banks Continue Evil Reign
Real: Michelle Obama Shop Incognito at Target
Rewritten: First Lady Stages Photo Op to Garner Sympathy
Real: Michael Jackson Bodyguard Takes Stand in Manslaughter Case
Rewritten: News Organizations Stop Reporting to Gawk at Famous Corpse
Real: U.S. Makes Deported Immigrants Take the Long Way Home
Rewritten: Home Depot Parking Lot to Be Less Crowded
Real: China Set to Launch Its Own Space Station: Mission Unknown
Rewritten: Blocked Chinese Google Maps to Become Way More Accurate
Real: Holly Madison Insures Breasts for $1 Million
Rewritten: Lucky Insurance Guy Gets to Evaluate Primo Tatas
Real: Cat with Two Faces Marks 12 Years off Defying Odds, Setting Records
Rewritten: Misleading Article Title Not About Rick Santorum
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