Hey Bros!
I’m getting married today, so I thought this was a good time to repost Drunk Counter Drunk. I had to move the videos, so this way you can watch the whole run. Enjoy!
Hey Bros!
I’m getting married today, so I thought this was a good time to repost Drunk Counter Drunk. I had to move the videos, so this way you can watch the whole run. Enjoy!
Hey Bros!
Today I unearth a classic! One of my SNL sketches! I am so glad I found this one. This one actually got thrown into the mix (I was told), but ultimately rejected. Bob Newhart, one of my all time favorites, was the host. Here is the cast:
Dave (David Spade)
Bob (Bob Newhart)
Wonder Woman (Janeane Garofalo)
Clark Kent (Chris Farley)
Aquaman (Jay Mohr)
Anna Nicole Smith (Laura Kightlinger)
Batman (Chris Elliot)
The Receptionist at the Hall of Justice
written by: Tony DiGerolamo
Copyright 1995
INT. LOBBY OF THE HALL OF JUSTICE-EVENING
This is the lobby for the Hall of Justice, where the world’s greatest superheroes have their headquarters. DAVE (SPADE), their daytime receptionist, is sitting by the phones in the lobby finishing his shift. There is a pair of glass doors that say “Hall of Justice Reception Area” and a metal detector, which leads to a hallway beyond the reception desk. Pictures of various superheroes adore the walls. Enter WONDER WOMAN in full costume, but with an overcoat and a purse.
WONDER WOMAN
Dave, I really need that memo typed for
Monday’s meeting.
DAVE
And you are…?
WONDER WOMAN
(annoyed)
Don’t make me use the lariat again. If
you don’t have time, just leave it for
the night shift. (exiting) Good bye.
DAVE
(smarmy)
Buh-bye.
Enter BOB, the nighttime receptionist.
BOB
Hi, Dave.
DAVE
And you are…?
BOB
Why do you keep doing that?
DAVE
(getting ready to leave)
Sorry. There’s some things for you to
type and most of the staff is gone. I’ll
see you Monday.
BOB
(smarmy)
Buh-bye.
Dave gives him an odd look.
BOB
Now you got me doing it.
Dave exits. The phone rings and Bob answers.
BOB
Good evening, Hall of Justice, this is
Bob speaking. (pause, listening) You
have a doomsday device and you want total
control of the world. Well, uh, how can
I route your call? (interrupting) Sir,
sir, I realize you are an evil genius,
but I can’t forward your call unless you
tell me which superhero you want to talk
to. (pause) No, sir, I’m just the receptionist.
(pause, annoyed) Sir, there’s no need for
that kind of language.
Enter a very harried, CLARK KENT. He waves to Bob and starts to walk inside.
BOB
Can you hold on one sec?
Bob puts the evil genius on hold.
CLARK
Hey, Bob.
BOB
Hey, hey, hey, you can’t go in there.
CLARK
(realizing he’s not in costume)
Oh, right, uh, I’m Clark Kent from the
Daily Planet. I’m, uh, doing another
interview with Superman.
BOB
Okay, if you’ll have a seat I’ll just
ring his office.
CLARK
Uh, but…
BOB
C’mon, have a seat.
Reluctantly, Clark has a seat and tries to figure out how to get past this bossy receptionist. Another phone line rings and Bob answers it.
BOB
Good evening, Hall of Justice. (pause)
No, sir, we don’t get involved in court
proceedings. (pause) That’s just company
policy. Right. (pause) Well, I’m sorry,
you’ll just have to tell O.J. yourself
Mr. Shapiro. Yeah, right. Good-bye.
Bob switches lines.
BOB
Sir, I’m sorry to keep you on hold, you
have a doomsday device…
Clark gets up again.
CLARK
Um, maybe you could ring Diana’s— I mean,
Wonder Woman’s office too. She could vouch
for me…
BOB
(annoyed)
Sir, I’m not going to ask you again. You’ll
just have to wait. Please have a seat.
Enter AQUAMAN and his lovely escort for the evening, ANNA NICOLE SMITH, who’s eating junk food non-stop. Aquaman thinks he’s so cool.
AQUAMAN
Hey, Bob, workin’ late there, buddy?
You of course know Anna Nicole Smith?
ANNA
You got vending machines in here?
BOB
It’s a good thing you’re here, sir.
I’ve got an evil genius with a doomsday
device on the line.
AQUAMAN
(worried)
Is he in the ocean?
Bob listens to the phone a moment.
BOB
Are you near the ocean sir? (pause)
No.
AQUAMAN
(annoyed)
Give it to the Flash, what do I look
like? (to Anna) C’mon, baby, I’ll
show you how I swam smack into the
Exxon Valdez. Oh, my head!
Aquaman takes Anna inside. Clark can’t believe this, he gets up and goes back to the desk again.
CLARK
(frustrated)
I really think you oughta—
BOB
(annoyed)
Sir! Please.
Bob goes back to his phone call. Frustrated, Clark goes to the water cooler and gets himself a drink.
BOB
I apologize, sir, we’re very busy at
this time of night. Lots of very rude
and anxious people. (pause, agreeing)
Yes, I hope you do stop that when you
take over the world. (pause) You say
you already mailed something here.
Bob searches around on the desk. He finds a small, lead box with postage on it.
BOB
Oh, here it is. Yes, I have the package.
(pause, amused) Now, sir, this isn’t the
doomsday device is it? (pause, worried)
No, I don’t think you’re that stupid. (he
opens the box) I was just wondering what
it is.
Clark has his back to Bob and Bob is looking away from Clark. He opens the box, which contains a glowing piece of green Kryptonite. Clark looses consciousness and collapses.
BOB
No, I’ve never seen kryptonite before.
Bob shuts the box, Clark, slightly dazed, begins to get up.
BOB
(agreeing)
Well, yes that would be pretty stupid
to bring to work if I had it.
Clark moves over to a shelf of vases to shake off his dizziness.
BOB
(opening the box again)
Boy, I can’t get over the color on
this thing.
Clark collapses, knocking over the shelves of vases as he does so. BATMAN enters, annoyed.
BATMAN
Someone’s in my space again!
BOB
Sir, I really have to go, the night
shift’s here.
Bob hangs up and shuts the lid on the box. Clark gets to his feet again.
BATMAN
When are these people gonna learn, Bob?
My car’s my whole gig, man! The machinegun
turrets won’t fit in a compact space!
BOB
Sir, I’ll call the tow truck.
BATMAN
(opening box)
What the Hell’s this?
Clark collapses into a glass coffee table, destroying it. Bob gets on the phone, Batman notices Clark.
BATMAN
Oh, great! Another bum rolls in here!
This town is goin’ right down the sewer!
He pulls out a rubber hose.
BATMAN (CONT’D)
I’m gonna take care of this one like the
old days.
CLARK
(very dazed)
Gaaaahhhh…
BATMAN
Yeah, we’re gonna teach you a lesson
you won’t soon forget my drunken friend!
Batman drags Clark out of the lobby.
BOB
(on phone)
Hello? Lex Luthor Towing? We really
need to get that car out of Batman’s
space. (pause) I don’t care if its
part of your evil scheme. (pause)
What’s so funny? Oh, you were laughing
maniacally. I see. Well, uh, look,
if you get right down here, I’ll—
(picks up Kryptonite) I’ll show you
a piece of kryptonite. You will?
Great.
Hey Bros!
Welcome to Twitter in Focus, where media comes to die. Today’s contestant is a true comedic genius, Albert Brooks. Probably best known as Hank Scorpio on The Simpsons and brother to Super Dave.
May 14th: “That’s why preview has nudity RT @motech: finally downloaded a preview on iBooks. And….. then I bought it. Was too good to delete :”
Can’t wait for the video game.
May 15th: “I thought Murdoch hated me. RT @new_york_post: News: Required Reading: 2030 by Albert Brooks (St. Martin’s) http://nyp.st/jWE3p3”
Hate you? After all you did for The Simpsons movie?
May 15th: “Just bought a car from a guy who thought the world was going to end this Saturday. Best deal I’ve ever gotten.”
No, way! This Aztec guy just sold me his house!
May 16th: “Amazon sold out of book, on re-order. Not since Oral B electric toothpick has product moved this fast.”
Cool. A Brooks book.
May 16th: “Breaking News: Trump announces he won’t run. Also announces he won’t fly or walk on moon. Still debating sex change.”
Damn. He had a shot at flying.
7 hours ago: “Book signing tonight 7 p.m. at the Grove. People coming from Chicago should leave now.”
Dammit. I would’ve had to have gotten this tweet three days ago.
2 hours ago: “Was there ever a moment where Maria Shriver said, “This is the greatest guy I’ve ever met”?”
Maybe right after Terminator 2.
Okay, let’s rate Albert’s tweets. I had to cut out a lot of his response tweets, which were also pretty funny. Garry Shandling and Paul Feig were amongst his respondents. I give him a 6 for Insanity, an 8 for Style and a 10 for Mustness. That’s an overall score of 8. Brooks is a genius and you should always follow a genius. That’s why Stephen Hawking has that restraining order against me.
And if you have a suggestion for Twitter in Focus, email us here.
Hey Bros:
It’s Monday and it’s time for the news headlines the way they should be.
Real: Thor Rules at Box Office
Rewritten: Marvel Manages to Not Screw Up Thor
Real: Japan PM Kan: Will Announce Government Plan to Deal With Nuke Crisis
Rewritten: Leader to Lie to Populace to Get Them to Stay in Radioactive Wasteland
Real: Swiss Vote to Continue Assisted Suicide
Rewritten: Not Even the Swiss Can Stand Switzerland
Real: Gates Praises Obama’s Call on Bin Laden
Rewritten: Government Employee Praises Boss
Real: 26 Days Later, PlayStation Network Returns
Rewritten: Xbox Players Continue to Shoot Each Other Uninterrupted
Real: Economy Weakens Medicare
Rewritten: Anyone Not Rich Continues to Be Fucked
Addanac City
A Dog’s Life
Adriana Game Over
Ahoy Earth
Art of Webcomics
Bad Oranges
Bad Pudding
Beta Male
Between the Realms
Black Tail and Marz
Bunny Wiggins
Capes and Babes
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Center Lane
Champion City Comics
City Folk, The Webcomic
Company Man
Convenience Store Diet
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The Funnicks
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The Hero Business
Hit Girlz
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Ker-Bop
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Krrobar.com
LaSalle’s Legacy
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SCAPULA
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