Aug01

Your Fratoscope: August 1, 2010

by tonyd on August 1, 2010 at 12:01 am

If your birthday is this week: Your freshman roommate tracks you down while you’re on vacation. He tells you he misses pressing his junk onto your forehead while you sleep.

Aries: Your cat will quit being your pet this week. She’s just had enough of your shit.

Taurus: People who visit you keep passing out for 10 to 16 hours at a time. Maybe you shouldn’t keep your muscle relaxants so close to that bowl of M&M’s.

Gemini: God grants you your wish and gives you your own TV show. It’s the best episode of Intervention ever.

Lemini: Despite the fact your sign doesn’t exist, it’s fake predictions are eerily accurate.

Cancer: Your celebrity stalking backfires when Lindsay Lohan answers your letter and promises to visit you when she gets out of jail. Yikes.

Leo: No, not that way, the other way.

Virgo: This week you will learn an important lesson about mulch.

Libra: Someone leaves your cake out in the rain. You don’t think that you can take it, because it took so long to bake it and you’ll never have that recipe again. Fortunately, you can just search the Internet.

Scorpio: Your faux pas at the bondage club goes unnoticed, but the sex slave in the leather mask spends all week trapped in the club until someone cuts off his handcuffs. In a hopefully unrelated story, you dad hasn’t been seen in a week.

Sagittarius: You mistake an open door at the zoo for a restroom door. Fortunately for you, the chimps don’t care if you pee in their habitat. They welcome you with fists full of feces.

Capricorn: If you are in the Mafia, things take a turn for the worst as Johnny Pick Axe discovers your wire and beats you to death with a cinderblock at the construction site. If you’re not in the Mafia, you enjoy some nice pie.

Aquarius: The stars say love thy neighbor, at least until her husband gets home.

Pisces: Your creatives juice explode this week. It’s a good thing you can make yourself a new pair of pants.

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Jul30

Tony D’s Rejected Comedy Samples: Iraqi Kill Man

by tonyd on July 30, 2010 at 12:34 am

Hey Bros:

I don’t normally write comic book parodies, but I was pitching to Mad Magazine at the time and I wanted to do something that would satirize the war. Thus, Iraqi Kill Man. I don’t know what the Hell I was thinking.

MAD American Comics presents:
The Secret Origin of
Iraqi Kill Man!
Written by the worthy wordsmith: Tony DiGerolamo
Copyright 2003

PANEL 1: EXT. SATELLITE SHOT OF IRAQ 1991

Draw a satellite image of Iraq noting all major cities, bodies of water and surrounding countries.

NARRATION
Iraqi Kill Man, the slayer of the desert sand’s
most sinister soldiers. Who is this mysterious
wielder of power? We take you now to his
humble beginnings. It is 1991 and the first
George Bush sends troops to defend Kuwait…

PANEL 2: ANGLE ON INFANTRY SOLDIER

This is PETER PATRIOT, later to become Iraqi Kill Man. He is dressed in standard sand infantry uniform and equipped with all the appropriate equipment for a U.S. soldier during the Gulf War. Make sure there is an American flag patch that can clearly be seen on one of his arms.

NARRATION
It is nearing the end of the conflict and Private
Peter Patriot has made his country proud. But
a freak sand storm will soon lead the unknowing
soldier to a date with destiny…

PETER PATRIOT
(thinking)
Boy! What a fight! Saddam’s forces are on the
run and more and more of his men surrender
everyday. Guess they just don’t have the taste
for battle once the B2’s are finished dropping
bombs!

PANEL 3: ANGLE ON PETER

A sand storm kicks up and it’s hard for him to see. He puts his hand up to shield his eyes from the sand.

PETER PATRIOT
(thinking)
I sure wish we could chase Saddam down in
Baghdad but— Hey! A sand storm! Can’t
see! Thought my platoon was right in front
of me…

PANEL 4: TWO SHOT, PETER AND MYSTERIOUS BUNKER

Peter notices a bunker near to his position despite the sand storm.

PETER PATRIOT
(thinking)
Got to take some cover or I’m done for! Hey!
It’s one of the Republican Guard’s bunkers.
I-I-I was warned not to go in there, but—
Well, if I don’t, I’m a goner!

PANEL 5: INT. BUNKER-DAY

Peter climbs down into the bunker with his rifle ready. He is silhouetted by the light from the outside.

PETER PATRIOT
(thinking)
Strange I didn’t see this before. I must
really be lost! Hey, what’s that strange
glow?

PANEL 6: TWO SHOT, PETER AND MISSILES

Peter has stumbled upon missiles labeled, “Bio Bombs*” in Iraqi. The missiles glow with an eerie light. He pulls out his radio.

PETER PATRIOT
(thinking)
Oh, no! Weapons of mass destruction! I’ll
bet Ol’ George** will want to know about this!

EDITOR’S NOTE
*Bio Bombs.
**Peter’s name for President George Bush.

PANEL 7: ANGLE ON PETER

He tries his radio, but he’s too tired to work it.

PETER PATRIOT
(thinking)
Darn! My radio’s dead and I’m feeling
woozy. So strange…

PANEL 8: ANGLE ON PETER

He turns toward the exit of the bunker, but he’s too weak to run out. The glow from the missiles now surrounds him too.

SFX: Rumble! Rumble!

PETER PATRIOT
(thinking)
No! Got to get out…of bunker! Hey! What’s
that noise!

PANEL 9: TWO SHOT, PETER AND TANK

An AMERICAN TANK is about to crush the bunker. The outline of Peter can be seen inside, but the soldiers in the tank don’t see him.

TANK SOLDIER #1
Hey! Here’s a bunker we missed!

TANK SOLDIER #2
Don’t worry, “Mrs. Saddam”, we’ll bury
your son!

TANK SOLDIERS
Hahahaha!

PETER PATRIOT
(thinking)
No!

PANEL 10: ANGLE ON PETER

The tank runs over the bunker, collapsing it on Peter.

PETER PATRIOT
No! They can’t hear or see me through the
sand storm! Bunker…collapsing… Feel so
strange…

PANEL 11: ANGLE ON PETER’S AMERICAN FLAG PATCH

Peter is completely buried except for the patch. In the distance, the tank continues on its mission.

NARRATION
A tragic end to an otherwise exemplary
tour of duty. But is this end of Private
Peter Patriot?

PANEL 12: EXT. IRAQI DESERT MARINE CHECK POINT-2003

This is a marine checkpoint. A GROUP OF MARINES guards a gate on a road leading deeper into Iraq. The marines are heavily armed and armored with standard gear. Nearby sits an armored vehicle with a .50 caliber machine gun. A CARFUL OF what appear to be IRAQI CIVILIANS approaches the checkpoint. SGT. BUFFORD GUNNER gestures for the car to stop.

NARRATION
We take you now to the same Iraqi desert
some 12 years later. A new war and a new
George Bush challenges the Iraqi’s mayor
of mayhem, Saddam Hussein.

SGT. GUNNER
*

EDITOR’S NOTE
*Translated from Iraqi.

PANEL 13: GROUP SHOT

Sgt. Gunner talks with the Iraqi civilians. The DRIVER is a man and he has THREE FEMALE PASSENGERS all dressed in Iraqi civil attire. The women should be in veils. Gunner checks the driver’s papers.

NARRATION
Minutes later…

SGT. GUNNER
Well, I’m sorry, sir. We can’t let you in
Kuwait. You’ll have to return to your
home in Iraq.

DRIVER
But our homes are destroyed! Bombs
destroy everything!

PANEL 14: ANGLE ON GUNNER

In the deep background, a HAND reaches up from the sand.

SGT. GUNNER
Let me see if we can give you some water
for the ride, at least. (thinking) These poor
people. I wish I could help them.

NARRATION
Don’t worry, Sgt. Gunner. Help is on the
way in the form of a superpowered patriot!

PANEL 15: ANGLE ON SAND

A silhouetted figure emerges from the sand.

FIGURE
(thinking)
What are those marines doing? Don’t
they realize there’s a war on with these
people?! Oh…feel so strange… Like I
can…I can detect the presence of Iraqis!
Iraqi people! I’m…somehow drawing
on their…life force.

PANEL 16: ANGLE ON GUNNER AND DRIVER

The driver grabs his chest and collapses. Gunner tries to help him.

DRIVER
Unh!

SGT. GUNNER
He’s having a heart attack! Medic!

PANEL 17: GROUP SHOT OF CAR

All four of the Iraqis drop dead and fall out of the car before the MEDIC can do anything.

MEDIC
Holy Hannah! They’re all dead!
SGT. GUNNER
How can that be? It was as if something
drained the life from them!

SOLDIER
(OFF PANEL)
Sarge!

PANEL 18: ANGLE ON MACHINE GUNNER

The MARINE ON THE MACHINE GUN spots the dark figure running across the sand.

MARINE
(pointing)
We got a runner!

SGT. GUNNER
He must’ve did this! Like some kind of sniper!
Take him down!

PANEL 19: ANGLE ON DARK FIGURE

He runs across the sand with amazing speed as bullets land around him.

FIGURE
(thinking)
Incredible! It’s as if the life force
of those Iraqis have given me superhuman
speed and strength!

PANEL 20: ANGLE ON FIGURE AND BA’ATH PARTY HOUSE

This is a bombed out house that once belonged to the Ba’ath Party. The dark figure runs toward it.

FIGURE
(thinking)
Hmmm, it’s starting to wear off. I’d better
hide in this burned out Ba’ath Party house
until I figure out what’s happened to me.

PANEL 21: INT. BA’ATH PARTY HOUSE

The figure wears the tattered uniform of Peter Patriot. He comes across abandoned Republican Guard uniforms, an old Iraqi flag, debris from a patriot missile and various other odds and ends.

FIGURE
(thinking)
Can’t seem to remember who I am, but
with these incredible Iraqi Kill powers, it
doesn’t take a genius to see whose side
I’m on! I’m going to need some clothes
to fit my new powers.

PANEL 22: ANGLE ON FIGURE

He sews himself a new costume.

FIGURE
(thinking)
Since I can’t remember my old name, I’ll
have to think of a new one. Something
that befits my powers! Something that’ll
help Ol’ George end Iraqi tyranny!

PANEL 23: ANGLE ON IRAQI KILL MAN

This is the first time we see IRAQI KILL MAN in his uniform. He has hand-fashioned it from American and Iraqi uniforms. He has also made a shield from part of a patriot missile. The Iraqi flag is across his chest with a large, red circle and slash painted across it. The American flag patch is back where it belongs.

IRAQI KILL MAN
I will call myself Iraqi Kill Man! And I vow,
that I will only use my Iraqi Killing powers
for good! Never for evil! Look out, Saddam!
I’m coming to Baghdad to put a stop to you
for good!

NARRATION
Can this one man, Iraqi killing machine
deal a death blow to the demented dictator?
Join IKM on his never-ending quest to find
WMD ASAP!

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Jul25

Your Fratoscope: July 25, 2010

by tonyd on July 25, 2010 at 1:36 am

If your birthday is this week: Your roommate will erase all your porn on your laptop. Sadly, this leaves you with nothing other than Windows and links to a website with tips on how to heal severely chafed genitals.

Aries: The battle between you and your roommates about who will empty the trash finally ends. Your apartment is condemned.

Taurus: You’ll remember your favorite stunt from Jackass II this week. The doctors will say this is a good sign when you open your eyes in the ER.

Gemini: Your trip to the San Diego Comic Con will be touted as a complete success. However, you will be questioned about your acquisition of Steve Reeves’ skeleton.

Lemini: Somehow, you’ll get herpes at a barbecue, but the potato salad will be the best you’ve ever had.

Cancer: The KFC Colonel will rise from the dead and whisper the 11 herbs and spices to you. You’ll make millions if you can stop him from eating your brain afterward.

Leo: The stars say, getting high with a chainsaw juggler is dangerous. Guys like that always have shitty weed.

Virgo: THIS SONG will be in your head all week.

Libra: This week, that guy in the dining hall that’s always checking you out finally talks to you. Turns out, you’ve had gum in your hair for months.

Scorpio: The stars say, there is such a thing as too charismatic. Your intervention ends in an orgy.

Sagittarius: You build a sex robot with sentient intelligence. Unfortunately, it also has tastes and won’t fuck you.

Capricorn: Get out of the house! Get out of the house! For God fucking sake! GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!

Aquarius: You get fired this week for taking your comedy to the next level. Photocopying your ass is funny, photocopying your shit is only funny to you and it leaves the copier unusable.

Pisces: Face those demons, Pisces! The embarrassment you feel getting naked in front of your girlfriend will no longer be a problem if you do. After you pass out drunk, you friends duct tape you to a flagpole in the middle of campus without your pants.

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Jul24

Tony D’s Rejected Comedy Samples: South Park Spec Script

by tonyd on July 24, 2010 at 12:01 am

I forget what specifically made me write this, but it was before the South Park Facebook episode. (Which was pretty God damned brilliant.)

Anyhow, I wrote the first ten pages and a synopsis for the rest of the episode. Looking back, it probably could be a little tighter. Maybe another rewrite or two, plus a reference to Chat Roulette would do nicely tying into the end. Let me know what you think. Of course, the South Park characters belong to Parker and Stone, not me. The copyright notice is just for my spec script, not their characters.

10-page South Park Spec Script
based on South Park, copyright 2008
written by Tony DiGerolamo

ESTABLISHING SHOT: SOUTH PARK, COLORADO

MUSIC: Transition music

EXT. SOUTH PARK STREET-DAY

STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN and KENNY are walking down the street. They talk as they walk.

CARTMAN
(continuing story)
And then I added this cool theme to my
myspace page. It’s custom made with
pictures of me and Clyde Frog. I sent
a bulletin to my 2000 friends.

KYLE
Dude, myspace is lame, now.

CARTMAN
You’re just jealous, Kyle! Cause you don’t
have 2000 friends!

STAN
Those aren’t your real friends, Cartman.
You just added random people to your list.

CARTMAN
Then how come they all sent me birthday
wishes, Stan? Huh?

KENNY
(Makes Kenny sounds)

STAN
Yeah, the site tells them when your birthday
is. Besides, everyone’s on facebook now.

KYLE
Get with times, Cartman.

CARTMAN
Just for that, Kyle! I am blocking you! You
are no longer my myspace friend! Ya hear me?!

KYLE
Then you won’t have 2000 friends anymore.
You’ll only have 1999.

A beat.

CARTMAN
I hate you, Kyle.

EXT. DICKLAND PENIS PUMP FACTORY-DAY

The boys pass by the Dickland Penis Pump Factory gate. MR. DICKLAND, the owner, is closing up for good. The boys arrive at the gate just as Mr. Dickland puts the closed sign up.

KYLE
Hey, Mr. Dickland.

MR. DICKLAND
Hello, Kyle. Boys. I’m sorry, but the factory’s
closed.

STAN
Actually, we weren’t coming to your factory.
We were on our way home.

MR. DICKLAND
Oh. Still, this is big news. The Dickland Penis
Pump Factory is the largest business in South Park.

KYLE
Really? Then why are you closing?

MUSIC: Sad background music.

MR. DICKLAND
(weary)
Well, I tried to open a company in America, run by
American workers that made a good old fashioned
American product. But between foreign competition
and a few mistakes I made, we just can’t afford to
keep the Dickland Penis Pump Factory open anymore.
Well, that and sometimes our penis pump caused
people’s penises to explode. But lots of people are
gonna lose their jobs. Any of you boys have fathers
that work here?

STAN
My dad’s a geologist.

KYLE
Mine’s a lawyer.

CARTMAN
I don’t have a dad.

KENNY
(worried)
(Kenny sounds)

MR. DICKLAND
Yes, Kenny. I’m afraid your dad is out of a job.

CARTMAN
Jeez, Kenny. You family is going to be even
more poor. Lame.

EXT. SOUTH PARK TOWN HALL-DAY

MUSIC: Transition music.

INT. MAYOR’S OFFICE-DAY

The MAYOR is in the middle of having her portrait painted by a FRENCH ARTIST.

FRENCH ARTIST
(outrageous French accent)
Ah, one more stroke. There! She is done!

MAYOR
Finally. Let’s see this masterpiece.

The French Artist turns his canvas around. His painting resembles a picture of MICHA BARTON exposing her breast while getting out of a car. The mayor gets furious and punches him.

MAYOR
You idiot! People can see my nipples!

FRENCH ARTIST
But in France everyone love ze breasts!

MAYOR
I didn’t pay you to splash my goodies all
over the canvas! I want to look statesmanlike!

The MAYOR’S ASSISTANT comes running into the office.

MAYOR ASSISTANT
Mayor! Mayor! We just got word! Dickland Penis
Pump Factory is closed!

MAYOR
What? For the holiday?

MAYOR ASSISTANT
(grim)
No. For good.

MAYOR
Oh, my God. Call an emergency town hall meeting.
Now!

ESTABLISHING SHOT: CARTMAN’S HOUSE

MUSIC: Transition music.

INT. CARTMAN’S BEDROOM-DAY

Cartman gets onto his desktop computer. He logs into his myspace account. His myspace page has a customized layout of pictures of him and Clyde Frog. It’s a bit obsessive.

CARTMAN
All right, Kyle, time to take care of you.

SOUND EFFECT: Click-click!

CARTMAN
Ha! Blocked! Who cares if I only have 1999
friends. I’ll just make some more.

Cartman opens his email.

CARTMAN
Oh, a message from my friend, Tom. Hi Tom.
Let’s see what my friend has to say.

Cartman reads the message. It’s a typical Tom myspace message alerting users that they are cleaning up the site and deleting fake or inactive accounts.

CARTMAN
(mumbling, reading)
Hello, myspace user…performing site maintenance…
deleting inactive or fake accounts…may affect your
friends total… What?! Oh, no!

Cartman checks his friends total. It’s only 1986.

CARTMAN
Oh, God! I’m at 1986! That’s way below 2000.
(to screen) You made me look like a liar, Tom!
I’m blocking you! Dammit! 1985! (worried)
What am I going to do? This’ll make me the
laughing stock of the Internet. Unless…

Cartman clicks over to Facebook. He checks out Kyle and Stan’s profile.

CARTMAN
Ha! On Facebook Kyle only has 35 friends! I
can beat that in no time! Goodbye myspace!

INT. TOWN HALL MEETING-DAY

The mayor is holding an emergency town hall meeting with the people of South Park just outside the town hall.

MAYOR
People of South Park, thank you for coming to
this emergency town hall meeting. It has been
brought to my attention that the Dickland Penis
Pump Factory is going out of business.

ANGLE ON CROWD

A murmur of concern ripples through the crowd.

MAYOR
The closing of the factor means loss of jobs
and loss of revenue for South Park. As your
mayor, I cannot allow this to happen because
it would devastate our economy.

ANGLE ON MR. DICKMAN

He is loading up his belongings onto a station wagon nearby, preparing to leave town forever. He overhears the mayor’s speech.

MR. DICKMAN
Huh?

MAYOR
Quite simply, the Dickland Penis Pump Factory
is too big to fail. Effective immediately, I am
issuing a ten million dollar emergency bailout
to Dickland to save the jobs and our economy!

ANGLE ON CROWD

They roar with approval.

CROWD
Yay! Hooray!

UNCLE JIMBO isn’t so sure about this, but RANDY is excited.

UNCLE JIMBO
Wait a minute, what about all the other businesses
in South Park that didn’t go out of business? It
doesn’t seem fair to them.

RANDY
Jimbo, we have to act now! Besides, all those
people whose jobs we save will spend money at
those businesses!

UNCLE JIMBO
(unsure)
Oh, yeah.

ANGLE ON MR. DICKMAN

He jumps for joy.

MR. DICKMAN
Woo-hoo! Yeah!

EXT. BUS STOP-NEXT DAY

Stan and Kyle are waiting at the bus stop. Kenny approaches.

STAN AND KYLE
Hey, Kenny.

KENNY
(Kenny greeting)

STAN
Did you dad find a new job yet?

KYLE
Dude, didn’t you hear? The mayor saved
the factory. Everybody can keep their
jobs now.

STAN
Oh. That’s cool. I guess.

KYLE
Of course it’s cool, dude. Now people can
keep their jobs and Kenny won’t have to be
even poorer than he was.

STAN
But if it’s that easy to save people’s jobs, why
don’t they just save them all?

KYLE
I guess they can’t.

Cartman approaches. He looks like he’s been up all night.

CARTMAN
Hey, Stan, Kenny, Kyle.

STAN
Hey, fat ass.

CARTMAN
You may have noticed that I recently joined
Facebook. I was up until 4am, but I now have
over 100 friends. That’s way more than you,
Kyle.

KYLE
So?

CARTMAN
So? That’s more than twice as many friends.
Jealous?

KYLE
No.

A beat.

CARTMAN
Yeah, you’re jealous.

STAN
(annoyed)
Cartman, Facebook is no different from myspace.
You can have all the fake friends you want on it.

KYLE
Yeah, just because you add a lot of people
doesn’t mean you’re popular or that people
even like you.

CARTMAN
Oh, Kyle. You’re so naive. I have taken the
Likeness test and they’re are tons of people
that are just like me. Popular.

The bus pulls up and the kids begin to get on.

STAN
Dude, are you retarded? Those test applications
are just for fun. No one takes them seriously.

KYLE
Yeah, dude. Besides, everyone’s on Twitter now.
It’s sweet, you can do it from your cellphone.

Kyle presses some buttons on his cellphone. From inside the bus, Stan’s cellphone beeps and then Stan laughs.

STAN
Nice one, dude.

Cart throws down his book and starts to walk home.

CARTMAN
God dammit.

INT. MAYOR’S OFFICE-DAY

Again, the mayor is posing for her portrait.

FRENCH ARTIST
Ah! She is finished! Take a look, mayor!

The French artist turns the painting around. It’s a picture of BRITNEY SPEARS exposing herself while getting out of a car. The mayor smacks him across the head.

MAYOR
Moron!

FRENCH ARTIST
But I cover ze breasts like you said!

MAYOR
I can’t have my snatch hanging in town hall!

The Mayor’s assistant burst in.

MAYOR ASSISTANT
Mayor! Mayor!

MAYOR
What is it now?

MAYOR ASSISTANT
We have an economic crisis!

MAYOR
What are you talking about? We fixed it!
Dickland reopened.

MAYOR ASSISTANT
Yes, but now the other businesses in South
Park say they need a bailout too! The Singing
Fish shop, Robot Polishers, the All Night
Speedo Shop, Outback Steakhouse—-

MAYOR
But these are all stupid businesses! Everyone
in town knows that!

MAYOR ASSISTANT
Yes, but they all have people working for them.
And all those people will be out of work and
they’ll remember who didn’t help them.

MAYOR
(frustrated)
(sighs) Fine! We’ll cut the money from
somewhere.

EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY-NEXT DAY

KEY: THE NEXT DAY

MUSIC: Transition music

INT. MR. GARRISON’S CLASSROOM-DAY

This is Mr. Garrison’s classroom, but because of budget cuts there are now twice as many kids jammed in here. Stan, Kyle and Kenny are in the middle of the mass of students sitting on the floor. A CLASS OF FIFTH GRADERS is also in the room and have taken most of the seats.

KYLE
Dude, why are there so many kids in here?

STAN
I don’t know. Maybe the fifth graders made
a mistake coming here.

Stan gets hit in the head by a book.

STAN
Ow!

The fifth graders laugh. Cartman enters, pushing his way through the crowd while text messaging on his cellphone. He looks like he hasn’t gotten much sleep.

CARTMAN
(as he types)
And now I’m walking into class. It sure
is crowded today.

Cartman pushes his way into the room and gets to a FIFTH GRADER in his seat.

CARTMAN
Hey, that’s my seat, dillhole!

The fifth grader backhands him with a book. Cartman backs off.

CARTMAN
(talking as he types)
I called a fifth grader a dillhole. Am I
cool or what?

Cartman sits down on the floor near Stan, Kenny and Kyle.

KYLE
Hey, fat ass.

CARTMAN
(talking as he types)
Now I am sitting down next to a Jew.

STAN
(annoyed)
What are you doing, Cartman?

CARTMAN
I am Twittering, Stan. Perhaps you would’ve
heard if you had been following me like the
other 50 people that are my followers. (types)
I just told off, Stan. He thinks he’s so cool.
(to Kyle) Kyle, I noticed you have only ten
followers. That’s pretty good, I guess. (laughs)

KYLE
Cartman, no one cares about your stupid
Twitter profile. Why do you always turn
things into a competition with me?

CARTMAN
(typing as he talks)
Kyle thinks he can compete with me. What
a tool.

KYLE
Cartman! I’m not—

STAN
Dude, leave it alone. He does this every time.

KYLE
(slyly)
I don’t know why you bother, Cartman. No
one’s using Twitter anymore…

STAN
They’re not?

CARTMAN
They’re not?

KYLE
(trying to think of something)
No, now everyone’s, uh…

KENNY
(makes a Kenny noise)

KYLE
(stifles a laugh)
Uh, yeah, everyone’s “Douching”.

CARTMAN
Don’t be an asshole, Kyle.

KYLE
No, seriously! We’re douching right now, uh,
right Stan?

STAN
(trying not to laugh)
Uh, yeah, dude. Douching is cool.

CARTMAN
(muttering)
God dammit.

Mr. Garrison enters. Cartman starts to leave.

MR. GARRISON
Okay, class, due to budget cuts until further
notice we’ll be sharing our room with the fifth
graders and— Eric, what are you doing?

CARTMAN
I’m sorry, Mr. Garrison, I have to leave.

MR. GARRISON
(annoyed)
Sit down, Eric.

CARTMAN
I can’t! I have to go! It’s important.

Mr. Garrison rushes over to Cartman.

MR. GARRISON
What’s so important, young man that you
have to leave my class?

Cartman gestures for him to come closer and Mr. Garrison bends down.

CARTMAN
(whispering)
I have to douche, Mr. Garrison. I promise
I’ll be right back just as soon as I’m douching.

ENDING: The Mayor pays more and more businesses in South Park, until everyone in town is getting money from the government. The resulting money makes the situation ten times worse because everyone has incentive to run their money into the ground. Cartman, realizing he’s been tricked, creates an online networking site called “Kyleisadouche.com” and takes over from Twitter. Without any new innovation, Cartman’s social networking site threatens to take over the Internet and annoy Kyle. Eventually, the boys convince the mayor to stop paying out all the money. Cartman’s site, which was worth millions, becomes worthless when a new social networking site created by Mr. Dickland takes over. Mr. Dickland finally gets out of the penis pump business and finds his true calling.

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