Jan22

Ask Señor Cactus!

by tonyd on January 22, 2010 at 12:01 am

Ask Señor Cactus!TM

translated by Mr. Shit, transcribed by Tony DiGerolamo

senorcactuslogo.jpg

And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…
The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…
Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!

Worried in PA:

Señor Cactus:

My boyfriend said he thinks he’s more attractive than me, should I be worried?

Dori, 20, PSU

Dear “Pat”:

Cactus, say, dat depend on what yer boyfriend look like.  If he look like da pretty boys from da 80’s band Poison, you probably okay looking. But if he look like a guy, ya should probably get yer upper lip waxed again.

Regifter in Raleigh:

Dear Señor Cactus:

I’m completely out of money and it’s my girlfriend’s birthday this week.  I was cleaning some stuff out of a closet, I came across a necklace I had bought for a previous girlfriend.  We had broken up and she gave it back to me.  I had intended on selling it on ebay, but never got around to it.  You think it would be wrong to give it to my new girlfriend?

T.M. in NC

Dear Future Liar:

Cactus say, if you’re going ta lie to yer girlfriend, be good at it!  Dis is yer opportunity ta practice, mon!  She’ll be so happy ta get a gift, she’ll never know!  And if she ever meet yer ex, she’ll assume she some jealous bitch!  It’s perfect, mon!  Don’t let this perfect lie go to waste!  Start da lies in your relationship right!

Thieving R.A.:

Señor Cactus:

I’m the RA in a dorm, so I stayed on the floor a few extra days before Christmas break.  After everyone was gone, I broke into their rooms and stole one item.  My idea was to gift wrap them all and give them back as gifts when they got back from break.  I had them gift wrapped and in a storage closet that I thought I locked. When I got back from break, two of the guys on the floor discovered the gifts and handed them out randomly to everyone on the floor.  None of these dumbasses have figured out what actually happened and most got the wrong “gift” back.  A few have complained about the “missing” items.  What would you advise?  Should I come clean?

B. 22, Location Withheld

Dear Retarded Prankster:

Cactus say, fuck no!  You gotta do it again to see how many times you can switch stuff from these morons’ room until they start ta catch on!  And each time ya steal sometin’ make sure its more and more personal.  Cactus got five dollars says ya can’t do it more than three times before dey figure it out.

Johnny Appleseed:

Dear Señor Cactus:

I banged this girl in her room while her roommate was out and she insisted that I take the used condom with me and “dispose of it”. I wrapped it in some tissues and stuck it in my jacket pocket. Half way back to my room, some friends pull up in a car and ask me to go with them to a bar. I hop in and now I’m really regretting not dropping the condoms in the nearest trash can. We get to the bar and I figure I can go into the bathroom, but it’s full and I can’t find a trash can anywhere. I take my jacket off and grab the tissues and slip outside a side door. I find a trash can and dump the tissues. When I get back, I discover to my horror that the condom had fall out and ended up in the middle of the floor. It was discovered by a hysterical waitress and the owner called the police. Fortunately, no one saw me drop it. The cops arrived and I’m sure they were not happy to have to pick up my spooge and put it in an evidence bag.

Do you think they would spend the money to do an DNA test to find me? Am I fucked?

Name withheld

Dear Load Dropper:

Cactus say, you fucked in da head! What is wrong witchu mon?! Dis ain’t no CSI: Miami! Dem cops probably dropped dat condom in da nearest trashcan like you shoulda done! Next time, play it safe. Cum on her face.

└ Tags: ,
Comments Off on Ask Señor Cactus!
Jan21

Who Should Eat a Dick

by tonyd on January 21, 2010 at 1:10 am

sf-chris-avatar.jpg  with Chris Moreno

Every Thursday, Chris Moreno lists individuals whose behaviors are so deplorable that they should eat a dick.

— The Jonesville, Michigan woman who was arrested for biting off one-third of her sister’s nose during a fight should take the nose out of her mouth and eat a dick.

— Joshua Good, the Connecticut man who pulled a knife on some teens who hit his car with a snowball and kidnapping one of them should eat Frosty’s carrot dick and snow balls. Happy Birthday!

— The three employees of strip club Platinum 21 who tried roaches, rats, and then burned down competitor Club Onyx should all eat a Chippendale’s dick wrapped in sweaty singles.

— The woman accused of hiding her mother’s corpse in her home for up to eight months to collect the dead woman’s Social Security payments should eat an eight-month-dead dick in hell.

— The South Florida woman who called in a bomb threat to Miami International Airport so that her boss wouldn’t miss his flight should eat a dick of dynamite.

Think someone needs to eat a dick? Email suggestions to dicketer@gmail.com or post in the message board.

└ Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,
Comments Off on Who Should Eat a Dick
Jan20

Twitter in Focus: Stan Lee

by tonyd on January 20, 2010 at 1:16 am

Bros!

Welcome to Twitter in Focus where media comes to die.  Today we have a very special twitter account to analyze—  None other than Stan the Man!  Mr. Excelsior himself!  Stan Lee!  He’s got a verified account and nothing but time on his hands.  Will he spill Spiderman’s secrets?  Did he really turn into the Hulk once?  Find out true believers via 140 characters a pop!

January 17th, 2:52pm: “One question that’s often asked of me is– “Do you still work for Marvel?” It’s a complex ussue, but I’ll strive to illuminate the subject–”

Ooo!  Dish-dish-dish, Stan!

January 17th,  2:58pm: “The short answer is– Yes, I’m still on the payroll of Mighty Marvel. However, I’m also allowed to script andf strive for POW! Entertainment”

Hey, look at you, developing like crazy.   Post some pics from “Hef’s Superbunnies”.  I think the bros would like that.

January 17th, 3:05pm: “–And I’mI also happily involved with the wondrous Walt Disnrey Co.! My partner Gill has to remind me, with each job, who I’m working for”

But of course.  Disney owns Marvel now.  How long before a Mickey vs. The Thing match up?  The clock is ticking.

January 17th, 3:07pm: “Wow, that was a long-winded reply to a simple question. It’s lucky you don’t hit me with complicated queries– I’d never pounding the keys!”

Um, I’d never “pound the keys” either Stan.  It would be unnatural somehow.

January 17th, 3:10pm: “I just wantcha to know I read your comments, get a helluva kick out of them and regret that it’s impossible to reply to them individually.”

That’s okay, Stan.  This is Twitter.  No one is listening to anybody.

January 17th, 3:17pm: “Yesterday, while greeting fans in the City of Induistry, some execs from “The Big BAng Theory.” showed up to discuss my “starring” role!”

Being a legend does have its benefits.  I can’t wait until you’re in an episode of “Sons of Anarchy”.

January 17th, 3:19pm: “I decided maybe I shouldn’t call ’em “Cameos.” Maybe “Guest Appearances” is classier. Or “Supporting player?” “Star” might be a bit much.”

Yeah and I wouldn’t clear a space for an Emmy just yet.

January 17th, 3:23pm: “My preceding tweets’ll indicate the weighty matters I have to wrestle with. They barely leave me enough energy to close with– EXCELSIOR!”

Weighty matters?  No, no, Stan.  This is Twitter.  We want to hear about what sandwich you’re eating and when you went to the mall or what cool picture you found on the Internet.  This is the rule of Twitter.

January 17th, 3:34pm: “I thought I was thru tweeting but I just read your comments about all the typos I made. I feel I owe you an explanation, so here goes–”

No, no, everybody does that Stan.  The bar is very low here.

January 17th, 3:36pm: “Y’see, I don’t touch type. I’m a fast hunt ‘n pecker. So I’m always looking at the keys rather than the screen. But there’s even mkore–”

U gots 2 use wrds like dis, bro.  Keeps tweets lo.

January 17th, 3:41pm: “I really haven’t time to tweet tho I love doing it. I’m always rushing. So soon as I type something I hit “send” and don’t wait to proof it”

Proofing is for 1965 ditto machines, Stan.  You gotta accept the mistakes.  Live them.  Breathe them.  No one else on the Internet spellchecks, why should you?  Don’t be a hero, Stan!

January 17th, 3:43pm: “So that’s my sorrowful :”mea culpa” about all the typos I make. I hope that won’t disqualify your Generalissimo from leading you in battle”

Battle?  Are we attacking the DC offices general?  I gotta tell ya, if they don’t buzz you in good luck getting up there.  Plus if they drop that big plastic Superman they have in the lobby on the elevator as you’re riding it up, forget it.  You’re a gonner.

January 17th, 3:44pm: “Having thrown myself on your mercy, I will now retreat to my command tent to plan our future campaigns. EXCELSIOR!”

My God.  He’s got a whole private army like Blackwater.

24 hours ago: “I’m amazed how quickly many of you respond to my tweets! No sooner do I write ‘em than I find hundreds of replies. You’re faster than I am”

Welcome to the Internets Stan.

24 hours ago: “Luckily, your responses give me ideas for things to tweet about. Between you and me, we’re practically writing this stuff together!”

Okay, let me help you out.  What we want to know is what you’re doing when your tweeting.  So like, if you’re bored and waiting for a cab, tweet that.  Or maybe you’re having a lunch, tell us what you ordered.  And then, when you have a big announcement, it’ll look that much cooler.  Plus we’ll feel like we’re following you along on your day.  Or, you can tweet about other people.  Like this guy does or this guy.  Maybe you could follow around Dan Didio for the day.  That would be funny.

24 hours ago: “Lots of you are asking what I’ll be doing in Las Vegas in March. Gambling? Partying? A one-man show? Nope, not even close!”

Hiring hookers to dress up like the Scarlett Witch?  Opening the first Marvel themed casino?  Both are pretty good ideas.

24 hours ago: “I can’t tell you why I’ll be in Vegas in March. If I do, I’ll have nothing to tweet about in March! And who wants a tweetless month?”

Awww, dude!  You’re a tweet tease!

24 hours ago: “Gotta go! Just got an idea for a great ending to a plot I’ve written. With my memory, if I don’t write it now it’ll be Goodbye Charlie!”

See!  That’s the kind of tweet we want.  It provides a little insight into your day.

24 hours ago: “Y’know, “Goodbye Charlie” could be a good name for a comedy. Maybe I’ll write it. But till then– Good Night, Bunky! EXCELSIOR!”

Bunky?  Now that’s a new superhero.  He could be Bucky’s sidekick.  Bunky and Bucky together again!

6 hours ago: “Bad news. No tweet time today. Must write all afternoon, then a business meet tonight. Be brave little Brigadiers, There’s always tomorrow.”

We will, Stan, we will.  Oh, and also, you can reply on tweets by doing an “@” and then typing the twitter account name right after.  So if you wanted to reply to me, you’d just put “@TonyDiGerolamo:” and then whatever you wanted to say.

I think Stan is new at this.  Give him credit.  Most people his age are still struggling with VCR’s.  He’s not doing too bad for a noob.  Okay, let’s rate Stan’s tweets.  For Mustness, I give him an 8 simply because he’s Stan, c’mon.  You gotta follow the man!  Insanity, I give him a 7, because he is a little crazy to put himself out there.  For Style, I give him a 9, totally consistent with his character, although I wish he’d open up a little more.  That’s an overall score of 8.  C’mon!  Follow Stan the Man!

And if you have a suggestion for Twitter in Focus, email us here.

└ Tags: ,
2 Comments
Jan16

Tony Update: Adventures in Job Hunting

by tonyd on January 16, 2010 at 2:42 am

sf-tony-avatar.jpg

Hey, bros:

These days, times are tough.  After the missus lost her job last year, we figured she’d be out of work maybe three, six months tops.  Guess buying a house right before was our bad timing, eh?  Anyhow, long story short, yours truly has been tearing up the Internets taking every freelance writing gig on the planet via Craigslist and everywhere else.  Along the way, I’ve had a few odd requests for gigs.  Some of them required me to write as “an audition” of sorts.

Most of them are pretty boring (trivia questions, short posts about dog products, etc.) or they don’t belong to me (pitches for established characters that belong to a potential employer or are secret).  But every once in a while, I have to write something that is both “original” but is also useless to anything but the audition process.  I’d like to share some of my recent ones with you.

First up, I had to write a short paragraph on a free movie service from a Cable provider.  The request was, in my view, a little vague.  Basically, something like, “Go check out the service and write about 500 words about it”.  I guess they wanted some kind of glowing review, but being a professional smartass, I couldn’t resist writing this:

Free Movies on (Cable TV Service)

You know that part of the video rental place where no one goes? Where the movies are five or ten years old and they have names you’ve only sort of heard of? These are the kinds of movies you can find free on (Cable TV Service). Near cult-classics like Erik the Viking or Killer Clowns from Outer Space are available completely free of charge exactly how they should be. Actually, (Cable TV Service) should probably give you fifty cents just to watch them, but that wouldn’t be a very good business model. 

If you like horror and you’re not very particular about the actors in your movie you can watch movies like Bug or Bug in Spanish. In any language, it’s probably the sort of movie you can watch while checking your email. You may have heard how bad House of a 1000 Corpses is, but you can’t really complain about a movie unless you actually see its awfulness. Plus, this way, you won’t have to bear the shame of having the DVD in your collection.

Do you like mutilation, torture and gore? (Cable TV Service) is showing all the Hostel movies for free. That’s at least three solid hours of people screaming and getting tortured. If you’re into that sort of thing, now you can save yourself some money. If you’re squeamish and don’t like that kind of thing, you can just forward through the bloody parts. That’ll be a lot faster than watching the movie at regular speed.

There are over 50 movies on the free list, so even if you don’t have a DVD player you can pretend you do. If you’re a hipster and you’re having a party, now you can put something on in the background that’s “ironic” while you listen to Cage the Elephant. You can pretend to enjoy the movie on an ironic level and not have to worry about paying too close attention to it. Then if you actually like the movie, you can always watch it later when your friends are gone.

Not surprisingly, I did not get the job.  Another job I auditioned for was for humorous horoscopes.  I’ve actually auditioned for this kind of gig at least four times, but no luck.  As a sample, I had to describe a Leo in a humorous way.
Leo, there’s a reason your sign has a pussy in the picture; you’re pathetic loser when it comes to love. Take it slow and stop proposing on first dates. You’ve chased away more women with your creepy, clingy behavior than R. Kelly in a women’s public restroom. You won’t die without sex, Leo, so stop climbing into bed with anyone that will validate you or your parking. It’s why you end up in relationships based on sex and why valets continue to give you long, leering stares. Use your amazing leadership abilities to take charge of your love life instead of trying to maintain relationships with every profile that emails you on eHarmony.

Like a lion in a cage, you need constant attention because without it, you get depressed and the poop really starts to pile up. Just because you and your partner aren’t expressing their love every waking minute of every day doesn’t mean it’s over, it just means someone would like to watch the end of a Lost episode in peace for once. Don’t go overboard this Christmas with gifts this year. Listen to the advice from the old song “Can’t Buy Me Love” and stop listening to the advice from “Helter Skelter”.

Dammit, now I used up all my Leo material for Fratoscope. Oh, well. Auditioning for those gigs actually inspired the column.

This last one is my favorite because I felt the questions they emailed me were just strange. When applying for a screenwriting gig, usually all the client is interested in is can you write a script or not? This list of questions went in a different direction. I call this “Screenwriter Questionnaire” and the typos belong mostly to the producers, not me. Keep in mind, I answered an ad about screenwriting.

Screenwriter Questionnaire
All applicants must complete to qualify for registration

1. Full Name: Tony DiGerolamo

2. Age: 43

3. Sex: M

4. Height: 6′

5. Weight: 248

6. Profession: writer

7. Is screen writing a career or a hobbie? career

8. Years of experience: 23

9. Special Skills: I carve all my outlines in scrimshaw first, then embroider character breakdowns on a pillow. Using the pillow and the scrimshaw, I paint the first draft on the side of my office wall using a calligrapher’s pen. After meditating in the room for 24 hours, I then I write the screenplay on my computer.

10. Why do you think you could be successful as a screen writer?

When I was 12, my family and I went to Hollywood on the Universal tour. I got separated from the group for a moment and stumbled into an unused sound stage. The floor collapsed beneath me and I found myself inside a strange shrine. The walls were lined with statues of famous screenwriters from ancient times. Lying on the altar in the center of the room was a skeleton that held a script bound with three brass fasteners. I went over to the skeleton and tried to pry the script from its hands. It briefly came to life and hissed to me, “You now have the curse! You will be a screen writer! Everyone will think they can do what you do, even though they can’t! You will attend humiliating meeting after humiliating meeting where producers will pitch idiotic ideas and call you a moron when you’re forced to script them! Because no one reads! No one reads! Hahahahaha!”

11. Why should youb be chosen for this project?

Because I’m not sarcastic at all.

12. What special qualities would you bring to the project?

I am a unique person in that I have no special qualities whatsoever. Whenever you notice one of my qualities, you’ll say, “Haven’t I seen that quality before?” Yes, yes you have. I’m just like you and everyone else.

13. How would you compare yourself to other screen writers?

Most screen writers are parasitic organisms that scurry from bright lights only to emerge to collect their paychecks and royalties. They are sad, broken creatures that steal from craft services, wear Hawaiian shirts to meetings and always get screwed in contract negotiations. I’m not like that. I don’t wear Hawaiian shirts.

14. What is the most charitabel thing you’ve ever done?

I gave my heart to a gypsy. Don’t worry, there are still plenty of other parts inside the body in my basement.

15. Would you be willing to volunteer some of your time?

Of course. That’s what screen writers do. It’s incredibly relevant that you know that I volunteer for soup kitchens, save cats from trees and do community service that has nothing to do with my DUI convictions. And, since we usually get paid so little and are listened to so rarely, many of us consider our regular jobs to be a sort of charity. We purposely stay poor and humble to spite Hollywood producers who are ruined by their money, the ability to pay all their bills and their beautiful, beautiful houses filled with cocaine and prostitutes. How we do not envy them.

Ain’t I a stinker?

└ Tags: ,
Comments Off on Tony Update: Adventures in Job Hunting