Nov14

Tony D’s DVD Reviews in Haiku: Death to Smoochy

by tonyd on November 14, 2009 at 3:36 am

Jon Stewart’s one film.

Kid show hosts battle it out.

Redemption at end.

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Nov14

Frat Boy At the Movies: Couples Retreat

by tonyd on November 14, 2009 at 3:30 am

The above picture shows you pretty much the best part of Couples Retreat.  There are some hot girls in it, but that’s about it.  There is no nudity.  The plot is predictable, silly and based on a whole lot of coincidences you won’t overlook by the end.  It feels an awful lot like the kind of movie a group of Hollywood buddies would make as an excuse to spend a few months in paradise, while getting paid obscene amounts of money.  This is what I get for letting my girlfriend—  Sorry, fiance’ now, pick out the movie.  In her defense, there really wasn’t anything else to see and she refused to go see Paranormal Activity.

So, Jon Favreau and Vince Vaughn are in it, in kind of a lame, married version of Singles, while Justin Bateman and the hot chicks above all collect a pay check.  Basically, the couples are all friends, one is about to divorce, the husband comes up with the plan to go to the retreat, but can’t afford it unless the other couples go in for a group rate.  There’s the fat guy with the 19 year-old girlfriend, (spoiler) who miraculously meets his wife at the end.  Jon F and the chick from Sex in the City are cheating on each other, but somehow come together in the last ten minutes in a really cliched scene.  Vince is happily married, but has his marriage “tested”, but it’s lame.  And Justin Bateman and that hot chick from Forgetting Sarah Marshall have a loveless marriage because they can’t have kids, but don’t worry, the last ten minutes solves everything.

Also, French guy from The Professional is in this for some reason.  I’m sure it was a nice vacation for all.  Not so nice if you’re sitting in the theater struggling to stay awake.

Here’s a list of things that I would’ve rather done than see Couples Retreat:

eat a sandwich

walk the dog

fall off a ladder

hit myself with a hammer

get mugged

forget where I parked, walk the whole parking lot in the rain

have a milkshake poured down my back

eat a live crab while it pinches the sides of my mouth on the way down

smash all my plates

dance in traffic

take my pulse and announce it to a room full of strangers in a funny accent

I’m sure I can think of other things.  Fortunately for you, Couples Retreat is almost out of the theaters, unfortunately it is bound to be on DVD soon.  Promise your girlfriend (or fiance’) anything and avoid it like the plague, bros.

I give Couples Retreat a 1 out of 10 keggers.

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Nov12

Who Should Eat a Dick

by tonyd on November 12, 2009 at 6:08 am

sf-chris-avatar.jpg  with Chris Moreno

Every Thursday, Chris Moreno lists individuals whose behaviors are so deplorable that they should eat a dick.

— The genius from Tyler, TX who thought it’d be a good idea to call 911 to report he’d committed a homicide to get police to respond quicker to an assault claim he’d called in earlier should take a page from the fable I just now made up, called The Boy Who Cried Dick, and eat it.

— The 70-year-old man who hit his 63rd arrest for trying to steal three bottles of champagne should celebrate this milestone with a glass of the bubbly and eat a dick on a cracker.

— The co-owner of a Hermantown, Minn. construction company who assaulted a co-worker with a backhoe should replace one hardhat with another and eat a dick.

— New Mexico auto dealer, Ken Zagara, sez he turned to gambling to save his ailing car dealership, accumulating a $250,000 debt that sunk his business indefinitely.  Looks like this guy rolled one-eyed snake eyes one to many times.  His only chance is to file a Chapter 69 and eat a dick.

— Todd Napodano, the dude who exposed himself to a mother and daughter in a store parking lot, but told police his was nude because of “explosive diarrhea”, and was using his underwear to clean himself off, should come clean and try wiping off the inside of his mouth with a big, fat dick.

Think someone needs to eat a dick? Email suggestions to dicketer@gmail.com or post in the message board.

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Nov11

Twitter in Focus: Rainn Wilson

by tonyd on November 11, 2009 at 3:01 am

Hey bros!

Welcome to Twitter in Focus where media comes to die.  Today’s contestant is Dwight from the Office, AKA: Rainn Wilson.

This is waaaaay too cool for Dwight.

Rainn is also in movies like The Rocker and I thought he was especially funny in My Super Ex-Girlfriend.  He’s got a website with his son and a Twitter account.  Let’s see if his tweets are just as funny.

November 6th, 1:55pm: “Had a lovely flight on a brand new Boeing 737 ‘Germ Tube’.”

Yeah, if only you could roll down your window and get some fresh air on those things.  Or maybe airlines could start charging for bags of fresh air.

November 6th, 7:54pm: “tres amigos de la oficina http://post.ly/Bu6J”

What?  No Pam bikini picks?  Don’t hold out on us Rainn.

November 6th, 7:55pm: “I’m now following @bahaidailyquote – Lovely little pearls o’ wisdom, not just for the Bai-haiz – Give it a whirl!”

Very Zen-like.  Who knew Dwight was so mellow?

November 7th, 1:42pm:  “Who gave me that Huskie Snuggie at Kane Hall, cause I’m gonna snuggie in’t tonight!”

Probably someone from Weezer.

November 7th, 12:22pm:  “Jim Vs Dwight – Head to Head Fantasy Football Action! http://post.ly/Byb7”

Cool!  You’re both degenerate gamblers like the rest of us!  Can you trade me a QB?

November 7th, 7:01pm: “Seattle is a mossy place filled with polite drivers. Tonight Im replacing the Space Needle with a giant Dwight Bobblehead. Who’s w/me?!”

That’s so cool that you’re into being Dwight.  So many actors seem to come to hate the iconic character that gave them fame.  It’s nice to see someone embrace it and have fun.

November 7th, 9:03pm: “For the COOLEST, MIND-BLOWING links on the web follow @jessebdylan – How he finds this stuff is beyond me. Talented, nice dude too.”

Yeah, that’s a good one.  Might have to dissect it next week.

Next he quotes a bunch of things from this twitter:   threewordsaftersex

It’s just easier if you go there and see it for yourself.  Pretty funny.

November 8th, 7:54pm: “LT, Crabtree, Shockey and Steve Smith combine for 150 yds and no TDs. Krasinski will take the crown. Idiot.”

Oh, no.  Do you think John will trade me a QB?

November 9th, 8:55am: “If I had one super power it would be the ability to prevent people from asking me what super power I’d most like to have.”

Mine would be immortality, because then I could just wait people out.  Then they’d be all dead and I wouldn’t have to worry about the question.

November 9th, 10:42am:  “I’d really like to buy you guys something. What would you like?”

Wow, it’s like getting a wish from a genie.  Only the genie’s on TV a lot.  Um, I’d like a rake.  A really, really, really nice rake.

November 9th, 11:11am: “Search @rainnwilson & you can find all the amazing responses to my question. However, I’m going to buy you all Modern Warfare 2. Out today.”

Fuck the rake!  I want that!

November 9th, 11:12am: “AND world peace.”

But we still get the video game, right?

November 9th, 12:53pm: “I love you.”

Aw, jeez.  Now I feel weird about taking the video game from you.

November 9th, 1:54pm: “I’m not saying I’m ‘in’ love with you. I love you as people and friends. Let’s just slow down and see how it goes, you know? Organically.”

Yeah, definitely.  This tweet was moving way too fast.

November 9th, 2:12pm: “attack of the one-armed yuppie babies! RT Maclaren Recalls 1 Million Strollers Due To Amputation Risk http://su.pr/2oHEup”

Look, I need chainsaws on either side of the stroller so I can take the baby for walks in the woods.

November 9th, 5:45pm: “Great Project! RT @JasonSinger Please grant this boys dying wish. http://tinyurl.com/ydt26mb Please RT #noahschristmas”

That is the saddest thing I have ever read.  Do not, repeat, do not click the link unless you want to be sad.

November 9th, 9:59pm: “Is Televangelism ‘Junk Food’ for the soul? http://tinyurl.com/yz6pnhq”

I think it’s more like comfort food for the spiritually lazy.

16 hours ago:  “I psyched to be a judge for a cool new online film festival from Nikon. 140 Seconds long. Check out my short! http://www.nikonfestival.com/”

That was pretty cool.

14 hours ago: “I wonder what William Joel is doing right now…?”

Probably back at that piano bar telling everyone off.

12 hours ago: “I am going to shoot my first gun at a gun range with Henry Portrait of a Serial Killer in preperation for SUPER. I’m jizzing.”

Wow, you really are like Dwight.

7 hours ago: “1 of top 25 events of my adult life. Shooting an assault rifle with @Michael_Rooker -I looked like a weird, rubbery bozo, but what a rush!”

Five hours of shooting.  No wonder there’s a bullet shortage.

6 hours ago: “My son is attempting a poop in the dark bathroom while wearing my new “MW2” night vision goggles.”

I would hope that most people could do that in the dark successfully, but hey, I’m sure that dude in Silence of the Lambs had to take a dump once in a while too.

Wow, awesome twitter.  Rainn is a lot of fun.  Steady tweets.  And cool stuff.  Let’s rate him.  I give Rainn an 8 for Style, a 10 for Mustness and a 9 for Insanity.  That’s an overall score of 9.  Definitely someone you should be following.  And if you have a suggestion for Twitter in Focus, email us here.

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