Jul09

Who Should Eat a Dick

by tonyd on July 9, 2009 at 5:18 pm

sf-chris-avatar.jpg with Chris Moreno

Every Thursday, Chris Moreno lists individuals whose behaviors have been so deplorable that they should eat a dick.

Hello, internet friends. I’ve been off drawing comics like a madman, but now I’m back to serve up a heapin’ helping of dick to some newsworthy ne’er-do-wells. Let’s get started, shall we?

 —  To Hector Ayala, who allegedly used Tarot cards to lure three teenage girls into sleeping with him: I see you’ve drawn the “Dick Eater”—hmm, a most ominous portent of doom.  If convicted, there will be much dick-eating in your future.  The cards never lie.

— The four gravediggers accused of digging up graves in an historic African-American cemetery in Chicago and reselling the plots, should be buried four deep in one grave, whereupon they can eat the decaying dicks of the dead in Hell.  

— The debt-ridden city of Los Angeles spent $1.4 million dollars to provide security, traffic control, cleanup, and other services for the Michael Jackson memorial service, and now holds its hand out to others to foot the bill.  I don’t have any money to spare, but I do have a dick the size of the population of the greater Los Angeles area that they can eat, free of charge!  

 — The Ohio woman who beat Bambi to death with a shovel, put it in a box and curbed it for trash pickup, should return to the dead fawn to the wood… and then eat wood.  It’s nature’s way.  

 — The robber who mugged a San Antonio woman and bit her, should take a bite off of a big ol’ dick, maybe from his new cellmate, Hector Ayala.  The cards never lie.

Think someone needs to eat a dick? Email suggestions to dicketer@gmail.com or post in the message board.

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Jul08

Twitter in Focus: ScriptGirl

by tonyd on July 8, 2009 at 12:01 am

Hey Bros:

Welcome to Twitter in Focus, where media comes to die.  Today’s contestant has it all, boobs, Hollywood connections…boobs.  She writes scripts and works in Hollywood reporting on writing scripts, say hello to ScriptGirl and let’s check out the tweets.

June 20th, 4:24am:  “Just home from seeing Year One at the Grove. Quite vexed with Harold Ramis and Jack Black right now.”

I feel ya, ScriptGirl.  I feel ya.

June 20th, 4:57am: “what’s the deal with Cheesecake Factory? Didn’t their cheesecake used to taste much better? and what’s with my vaguely Seinfeldian syntax?”

Maybe they stopped filling it with butter, deep frying it in lard and coating it in sugar.

June 20th, 1:16pm: “Check this video out — ScriptGirl Report 06.20.09 http://bit.ly/OHiEq”

I don’t know what you said.  I just keep seeing stripes bent in the middle.

June 20th, 9:08pm: “Going to the Kirk Douglas in Culver City tonight for some rockin’ and rollin’ and what not.”Easy SG, he’s an old man!

June 21st, 2:29pm: “http://twitpic.com/80wky – 6.20 thumb is a damning gauge of my photoshop skills. 1 hour to add lousy milk mustache!”

Don’t worry, I’m not looking at your thumb.

June 21st, 2:30pm: “In retrospect probably not the best gag to include on Father’s Day. My dad’s Air Force not Amish! http://bit.ly/OHiEq”

Hey, don’t insult the 413th Horse and BuggyAirborne.  If we’re ever attacked by the 19th century, those guys are going to be right on top of it.

June 22nd, 7:30pm: “I watch as much reality junk as the next schmo but J&K+8 does nothing for me. as a selfish only child, 7 siblings is an abhorrent notion!”

Hmm, insight.  Does being an only child make you selfish?  Does having multiple siblings make you generous?  Do I detect some kind of mild guilt in that tweet?  Interesting.

June 22nd, 7:39pm: “You’ll find a god in every golden cloister / And if you’re lucky then the god’s a she- quoth Murray Head.Why’s that song stuck in my brain?”

Whoa, had to wiki for that reference.

June 24th, 8:32pm:  “Prepare my couch trousers! Planning to go home and watch Kubrick night on Turner Classics while gorging on kettle corn. Feed me, Mandrake!”

Just so long as it isn’t Eyes Wide Shut, I’m with you.

June 24th, 9:25pm: “i get all giddy and jabbery with joy at the end of every work day. does that mean I hate my job?”

No, that just means you have one.

June 26th, 11:26pm: “spending my follow friday night editing, photoshopping Don Simpson into a speedo, and eating a stale nutri-system pizza! Want to know more?!”

Yes, mostly what you’re wearing, followed by a webcam show.

June 26th, 11:47pm: “I’m from Buenos Aires and I say kill ’em all!”

Whoa, do I detect the funk of self-loathing?  Hmm, she really is a writer.

June 26th, 11:49pm: “Service Guarantees Citizenship! oh did I mention Starship Troopers is on in the background. ^-^”

Feh.  Never could get into Heinlien’s psuedo-fascism.

June 27th, 6:48am: “Shhhh. Los Angeles is sleeping.”

Los Angeles doesn’t sleep.  It just doesn’t return your calls for 8 hours.

June 27th, 8:43pm: “Check this video out — ScriptGirl Report 06.27.09 http://bit.ly/1562hh”

Listening to the news of what movies Hollywood is developing confirms that there is no God.

June 27th, 7:42pm: “Ha! Countless millions in gross participation won’t shield you from my stinging barbs, Mike Bay! http://bit.ly/1562hh”

C’mon, why pick on Michael Bay.  Oh, wait.  We just did that.  I still love his Verizon  commercial.  He’s got a sense of humor about himself, that’s for sure.

June 28th, 3:51pm: “Sure I went dozens of dollars overbudget on this one…but every penny is up on that screen!! ;) http://bit.ly/1562hh”

Okay, okay.  We got the link.  Don’t oversell me.

June 28th, 3:57pm: “Off to walk dogs on the beach.Should you see a young woman being dragged to her death by 2 rambunctious lab mixes at VB, be sure to say hi!”

Maybe you should get tinier dogs.  Like this one.

You could put him in your pocket!

July 3rd, 4:31pm:  “No new report this week, road tripping to spend the 4th soaking in Americana at the world’s oldest rodeo! See you on Whiskey Row, Pardners.”

Who wants to see old men lasso cows?

15 hours ago:  “Godspeed Robert McNamara. You tried to help us learn from your mistakes.Too bad the Bushies weren’t big on Errol Morris docs.”

Yeah, but Monday morning quarterbacking is easy when it doesn’t endanger your job and your pension.  Another opinion says…

Okay, time to rate ScriptGirl. I give her an 8 for Style (those funbags are pretty stylish), a 9 for Mustness (she updates pretty regularily) and 7 for Insanity (you have to be pretty nuts to work in Hollywood).  That’s an overall score of 8.  If you have a contestant for Twitter in Focus, email us here.

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Jul05

Frat Boy At the Movies: Moon

by tonyd on July 5, 2009 at 12:01 am

The trailer for Moon looks like a glorious and ambitious movie, the likes of 2001: A Space Odessy.  Alas, it falls way short.  Sam Rockwell, as always, is great, but the script’s revelations don’t take you anywhere.

Rockwell plays Sam Bell, a working schmoe in the future mining the moon for 70% of the world’s energy.  He’s on a three year contract and then he gets to go back to his wife and see his kid for the first time.  But after an accident (spoiler) he wakes up in the infirmary and it’s actually another Sam.  Sam #2 goes out and saves Sam #1 and discovers that they are both clones.  Okay, neat.  But that’s about the extent of the revelations.

It’s one of those frustrating movies that stalls.  Instead of just saying, “Hey, dude, we must be clones.”  There’s this long, unnecessary wind up.  And if you’re going to put up a space station to provide 70% of the world’s energy, don’t you think you ought to have more than one guy running the place?  And if the Kevin Spacey robot can perform most of the functi0ons on the station, well, why not a few more robots for all of them?  Uncomfortable question after uncomfortable question begins to pile up from the second act onward.  By the abrupt end, you’ll just be glad you’re going back to your car.  Sorry, bros, nothing to see here.

I give Moon 2 out of 10 keggers.  Majorly disappointing for this Sam Rockwell fan.  Oh, when will they let him play Batman again?

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Jul04

Frat Boy At the Movies: Public Enemies

by tonyd on July 4, 2009 at 2:59 am

With an all star cast of really good actors and Michael Mann directing, Public Enemies sets the bar high and then dives underneath it.  The movie is a routine gangster movie that will probably end up on the history channel.  The biggest miss here is not in capturing John Dillinger’s legendary crimes, but why he was famous.  Dillinger robbed banks in the middle of the Depression and the average man made him a hero because of it.  Think about it.  Everyone you know lives on a farm and it’s being foreclosed, but there’s one guy out there thumbing his nose at the banks and never stealing from the little guy.  On that note, Mann fails to capture the era and put it in context.

Christian Bale plays Agent Purvis, the man who eventually caught Dillinger, but its kind of a thankless role that could’ve been given to any actor.  The most interesting performance is from Billy Crudup who plays a young, J. Edgar Hoover.  Hoover was obsessed with Dillinger and it was the cross dresser’s eventual overzealousness that created the FBI and the beginnings of the vast “War on Crime” and the ever-expanding federal law enforcement branches that we now have today.  It could’ve been a great metaphor for today’s Depression and today’s ever-expanding Homeland Security, but Mann just doesn’t think that big.  Putting Depp in cool clothes and cars seems to be enough for him.

Another key scene where Mann misses the boat is when Depp and his girlfriend are in a restaurant and everyone is “looking at them” because she’s in a “three dollar dress”.  The problem is, Depp and his girl are beautiful and the rest of the actors are just window dressing.  We don’t get a sense that “these people” are the rich who aren’t effected by the Depression and the couple doesn’t belong there.  Mann just doesn’t create the mood, he just has the characters say that’s the way it is.  I don’t know, maybe he’s out of his element.  Dillinger is not the same as cocaine smugglers in Miami Vice.  Without the context, Dillinger is just another gentlemen bank robber.

Another aspect too is that Dillinger Conspiracy.  Dillinger supposed used the alias of Jimmy Lawrence, a small time hood that resembled Dillinger.  Legend has it that it was Lawrence, not Dillinger that was killed.  In the early 60’s, an aging hood dying in prison claimed to be the real John Dillinger.  I’m not saying any of this is true, but if you’re going to exaggerate Dillinger’s love story, why not exaggerate some of these juicy details.

Bottom line, PE is run of the mill gangster stuff.  It’s an okay rental or for something you’ll half watch on a Sunday while playing video games or eating dinner.  50/50 chance you’ll watch it through to the end.  I give Public Enemies a 5 keggers out of 10.

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