Jan28

Twitter In Focus: lexilapetina

by tonyd on January 28, 2009 at 1:01 am

Welcome Bros, to another episode of Twitter in Focus where media comes to die.  Today’s contestant I found from Apathyangel‘s list of followed, lexilapetina.  Lexi describes herself as a Pin-Up model and the owner of an adult entertainment site containing her homemade porn.  Yes, everything is better homemade Lexi.  Let’s see how you twitter.

January 8th, 8:41pm:  “I got a nasty black, blue and green bruise on my leg….due to sex :(“

Good start, but it’s nothing less than I’d expect from a pornstar.  Well, actually, I’d expect a pornstar to be good enough at sex NOT to hurt herself, but maybe she’s banging fans like so many of them do.  Let’s hope so, bros.

January 9th, 10:02PM:  “Tooooo much running a biking….my legs hurt so bad, I can hardly walk.”

I sure hope “running” means “fucking” and “biking” means “banging” and “a” means “and”.

January 10th, 1:56PM:  “At a hockey game….drinking beer n hangin with friends :)”

Pornstar + beer fan + hockey fan.  I think we like where this is going bros.

January 12th, 10:24PM:  “Worked my ass off today….relaxin…thinkin and drinkin wine ;)”

Please, not that beautiful ass.  Go back and reaffix it please.

January 13th, 9:32AM:  “Toss’d n turned all nite due 2 a buncha thoughts on my mind. Never know how 2 put my brain 2 rest. Mayb start knockin it out w/ tylenol pm?”

Not a good idea, Lexi.  I know a guy that may have died from drinking and taking a Benadryl.  What are you thinking about Lexi?  The economy?  Gitmo?  Fixing Healthcare?  Don’t worry, Lexi.  The porn bailout was a joke.  Next to soup lines, standing in porn lines will be all the rage in a few months.

January 14th, 1:48AM:  “Watching Eyes Wide Shut for the first time…thought it was all about hot sex. Instead I am spooked, its kinda scary.”

Yeah, kinda scary they finished that movie.  What kind of monster can turn an orgy scene into something boring?  Tom Cruise was more convincing in Valkyrie.

January 14th, 3:12PM:  “4 my fab pervy members – I am workin out in a thong right now, ck my spycams. 4 all else ovr 18 – join eroticneighbor.com to see ;)”

Well, twitter has a new function!  It can tell you when the webcam girls are on.  “Tom, I’m going to have to take a rain check on that meeting.  I have to…uh, file something.”

January 14th, 6:57PM:  “Gas stations now have TV’s at each pump?! Well…if they can’t hv -full service- in FL then @ least now I can watch tv as I pump my own gas.”

What an age we live in, Lexi.  Are these the thoughts that keep you up at night?

January 15th, 11:48PM:  “Totally roasted my body in the tanning bed….n it didn’t help that I rubbed lotion on completely uneven….I now look like a candy cane :-0″

Insert your own perverted thought here.

January 18th, 4:32PM:  “watching 9 1/2 weeks…..one of the sexiest movies eva made!”

Well, it’s better than Eyes Wide Shut.  What, no Last Tango in Paris?

January 19th, 10:12PM:  “Just download the Ms. Packman app to my crackberry…sawweeeet ;)”

pornstar + beer fan + hockey fan + video game fan + decent taste in movies = We love you Lexi!

January 21st, 8:12AM:  “Omg its 39 degrees in Florida right now…..I couldn’t be happier!!!”

Big fan of cold.  Yeah, well, the snow is always fluffier, Lexi.  Besides, we all prefer warm so you can be more naked.

January 23rd, 9:45AM:  “Wondering if my members have thought-up some naughty punishments for me…for last nights failed cam show??!”

“Yes, Tom, I realized I missed the previous meeting, but I still didn’t…uh, file that thing.”

January 23rd, 5:36PM:  “Al and I wanna throw a sex party just like the one in the movie – Eyes wide Shut – love the mask idea…cept w/o all the creepy voodoo shit.”

Al?!  Who is this, Al?!  Aw, Lexi.  We thought we were the only one for you.

January 25th, 10:52AM:  “Got a much needed sports massage yesterday….my back’s been riddled with knots. Today, I am in so much pain from it :(“

Sports massage?  No, Lexi, that football player wasn’t massaging your boobs for you.

Well, Lexi seems pretty nice.  Obviously, she’s using her twitter to pimp her many sites.   She’s got a pin up site, a porn site, facebook, myspace, a forum—  No wonder she only twitters about once a day.  Where do you find the time to get naked, have sex and photograph it, Lexi?  She must have an army of nerds to run all these sites.

Now it’s time to rate Lexi’s twit.  I give her a 5 for Style (she’s pimping her sites about 25% of the time, kind of spammy), 8 for Mustness (she is incredibly hot, naked and porny on her sites) and finally a 5 for Insanity (although she keeps hurting herself, she sounds relatively stable) .  Plus a bonus of 3 for having a porn site.  This gives lexilapetina an overall score of 7.

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Jan25

Frat Boy At the Movies: Waltz With Bashir

by tonyd on January 25, 2009 at 1:56 am

A sort of animated documentary, Waltz with Bashir chronicles the journey of one vet from the Israeli-Lebanon’82 War dealing with the trauma the war has caused him.  It’s won a slew of awards and is considered a very controversal film in Israel.  It’s been nominated for an Oscar and if it wins, it would be the first film in history to win an Oscar for Israel.

(Spoilers)  The story follows Ron, who has met an old war buddy at a bar.  He’s having strange dreams about dogs.  (The dog credit sequence is pretty damned intense.)  Ron, unlike his friend, has not had flashbacks about the war, even after 20 years.  But after the meeting with his friends, he starts to have them.  But Ron can’t remember what happened during a bloody Palenstian massacre during the war and he’s not sure he was even there.  His friend, a therapist, suggests he trace his steps by contacting his old buddies.

The animation is both dreamy and riveting.  It’s one of those movies that just zooms by and you can’t believe its over already.  That’s not to say it’s an action movie, it’s a “horrors of war” movie.  And it’s all the more credible because it’s based on the true events of the filmmaker.

It is subtitled (it’s in Hebrew) and contains a lot of the messed-up war stories from that time.  It’s ending is pretty damned depressing and you can imagine why it raised the hackles of the Israeli government.  With all the mess that’s happening in Gaza right now and the strained Israeli-U.S. relations, it’s a very timely movie as well.

I give Waltz with Bashir 9 keggers out fo 10.  It’s not much of a date movie, unless your date is really into movies or is very intense.  But if you want to see animation pushed to its limit, it’s not one to miss.

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Jan22

Ask Señor Cactus!

by tonyd on January 22, 2009 at 1:37 am

And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…

The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…

Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!

Looking at Love:

Dear Señor Cactus:

My boyfriend has a strange habit of staring at me.  Even in bed, he just stares.  What’s up with that?  Is that a guy thing?

Donna, 22, Trinity College

Dear Hot Chick:

Cactus say, yer boyfriend can’t believe he bagged ya!  Boy, oh, boy what he would’ve done ta get in your pants!  You must be waaaay out of his league.  He can’t believe ya gave it up so easily!  He’s just wonderin’ how long you’ll let him bang you.  If he really ambitious, he might be wonderin’ how you’d react to a three-way.  If you need anythin’ right now, Cactus say, ask before he get sick of you.

Your Cheatin’ Art:

Señor Cactus:

I’ve been with the same guy for three years, but I’ve recently realized I’m not in love with him anymore.  I don’t want to hurt him, but I feel bad about leaving him especially knowing that he’ll never afford the apartment we’re in without me.  It’s a one bedroom, so he’d have to move back home.  There’s a guy in the art class where I work as a nude model that keeps flirting with me and asking me out, but I’m not sure if I should say yes.  What should I do?

Sasha, 20, Mercer U

Dear Naked Chick:

Cactus say, yer not exactly in da kind of job where ya should date da customers, mon.  C’mon!  If ya worked at a gas station or at an accounting firm, maybe.  But yer a naked art model!  Every guy in da room has got ta be half way to boner town!  Unless, yer not dat good looking.  In which case, why’d it take so long for someone ta hit on you?


Angry Ex:

Señor Cactus:

I met this girl and we fell in love. I mean, I fell hard. I gave her everything and I thought we’d be together forever, but she complete screwed me over. She borrowed my car and spent the weekend cheating on me. She’s always been very sexual, I should’ve known. The thing is, I have all these videos of her naked and having sex with me. Do you think I should put it on the Internet or just move on with my life?

Ray, 19, Ann Arbor, MI

Dear Angry:

Señor Cactus say, he understand. He was once in love with a cactus dat would pollinate wit the entire desert if she could. Cactus feel your pain. You should move on with yer life, mon’! To help, let Mr. Shit and Cactus post those videos for ya. That and a couple of posts on Formergirlfriends.com and you’ll be ready to let da healing begin! Cactus say, tell yer bitch girlfriend he will be strokin’ his prickly self to her image daily! She won’t cause ya problems no more.

Profile Pro:

Dear Señor Cactus:

I put up an honest picture of myself on my dating profile, but I don’t get any offers of dates.  This despite the fact I’ve been matched with plenty of guys and have exchanged several emails.  Are guys just interested in looks?

Michele, 24, Cornell U

Dear Clueless at Cornell:

Cactus say, of course not!  Men just sit around all day waiting ta hear about yer day!  They love to talk about shoes and home decorating and who ya like on American Idol!  Men especially like it when you talk about your friends and their relationships and how they can apply to yours!  Looks?!  Are you crazy mon?  Men don’t care for looks or sarcasm!

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Jan21

Twitter In Focus: cherrybombnyc

by tonyd on January 21, 2009 at 1:06 am

Hey bros:

TIF is a big hit!  So it’s time once again to continue to feed media it’s own tail.  Our contestant this week is cherrybombnyc

January 6th, 5:42pm: “Color me sexually frustrated.”

I find it interesting that hot girls are sexually frustrated.  Is it because they are so hot they are too intimidating for most guys?  Or is it when you can get laid whenever you want, having an off day is sexually frustrating?  I can’t imagine this woman would have a problem.

Yea haw.

January 8th, 9:10am: “Should I give up, or should I just keep chasing pavements?”

Is she looking for a job?

January 8th, 6:15pm: “Archery lessons, thank god”

You can take archery in New York City?  What do you shoot at?  Taxis?

January 9th, 9:11am: “ There is a darkness deep in you / a frightening magic I cling to”

She’s quoting something.  About who.  My guess it’s about herself.

January 9th, 10:51am: “Really stoked about my photo shoot tomorrow. I’m about to unleash some scandal on North Cackalack…and the greater Dirty South!”

Photo shot?  Nice!  We’re stoked too Cherrybomb.

January 9th, 2:07pm: “Cherry Bomb is no words, just heart”

Yeah, I think that other quote is about herself.  Gotta be conceited on some level to talk about yourself in the third person.  I know Tony does when Tony does it.

January 9th, 6:07pm: “When I move, you move”

Bossy little minx, isn’t she?

January 11th, 4:55pm: “I’m going home, gonna load my shotgun, wait by the door and light a cigarette”

This chick has a lot of weapons.  I think she may be paranoid.

January 12th, 10:13am: “Silently ”

Yeah, I sometimes forget to finish my sentences that early in the morning.

January 13th, 8:57am: “There is a darkness deep in you. A frightening magic I cling to.”

Jeez, she’s repeating herself worse than Mitch Hedberg during a monologue.

January 13th, 5:53pm: “You know it’s just too little, too late”

January 14th, 10:27am: “You say you dream of my face/ but you don’t like me/ you just like the chase”

Your face is pretty awesome, but trust me, there are other parts to dream about.

January 14th, 12:19pm: “Cold and beautiful. That’s winter here”

January 15th, 8:52am: “Chasing pavement”

Wait a minute, I knew she was too hot.  She’s a bot!

January 15th, 1:39pm: “Earth calms fire.”

January 16th, 2:31pm: “You don’t like me / you just like the chase”

Yep, definitely a bot.

January 16th, 2:33pm: “JoJo provides this afternoon’s inspiration. I can’t argue”

Yeah, well, maybe you should fire JoJo.  JoJo repeats his inspiration a lot.  Oh, well.  No complaints here, Cherrybomb.  You are hot.  Reading your thoughts may not be scintillating, but you got plenty of pics.   And isn’t it more important the bros have plenty to wank to?  Hooray for Burlesque.

I give cherrybombnyc a 7 for Style (her blog is pretty awesome), a 3 for Mustness (she repeats herself) and a 7 for Insanity (you got to be a little nuts to post so many half naked pics of yourself).  That’s an overall score of 5.6, but I’ll give you an additional 1.4 for your awesome pics, so let’s make a 7.

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