Super Frat

Jan22

Ask Señor Cactus!

by tonyd on January 22, 2009 at 1:37 am

And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…

The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…

Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!

Looking at Love:

Dear Señor Cactus:

My boyfriend has a strange habit of staring at me. Even in bed, he just stares. What’s up with that? Is that a guy thing?

Donna, 22, Trinity College

Dear Hot Chick:

Cactus say, yer boyfriend can’t believe he bagged ya! Boy, oh, boy what he would’ve done ta get in your pants! You must be waaaay out of his league. He can’t believe ya gave it up so easily! He’s just wonderin’ how long you’ll let him bang you. If he really ambitious, he might be wonderin’ how you’d react to a three-way. If you need anythin’ right now, Cactus say, ask before he get sick of you.

Your Cheatin’ Art:

Señor Cactus:

I’ve been with the same guy for three years, but I’ve recently realized I’m not in love with him anymore. I don’t want to hurt him, but I feel bad about leaving him especially knowing that he’ll never afford the apartment we’re in without me. It’s a one bedroom, so he’d have to move back home. There’s a guy in the art class where I work as a nude model that keeps flirting with me and asking me out, but I’m not sure if I should say yes. What should I do?

Sasha, 20, Mercer U

Dear Naked Chick:

Cactus say, yer not exactly in da kind of job where ya should date da customers, mon. C’mon! If ya worked at a gas station or at an accounting firm, maybe. But yer a naked art model! Every guy in da room has got ta be half way to boner town! Unless, yer not dat good looking. In which case, why’d it take so long for someone ta hit on you?

Angry Ex:

Señor Cactus:

I met this girl and we fell in love. I mean, I fell hard. I gave her everything and I thought we’d be together forever, but she complete screwed me over. She borrowed my car and spent the weekend cheating on me. She’s always been very sexual, I should’ve known. The thing is, I have all these videos of her naked and having sex with me. Do you think I should put it on the Internet or just move on with my life?

Ray, 19, Ann Arbor, MI

Dear Angry:

Señor Cactus say, he understand. He was once in love with a cactus dat would pollinate wit the entire desert if she could. Cactus feel your pain. You should move on with yer life, mon’! To help, let Mr. Shit and Cactus post those videos for ya. That and a couple of posts on Formergirlfriends.com and you’ll be ready to let da healing begin! Cactus say, tell yer bitch girlfriend he will be strokin’ his prickly self to her image daily! She won’t cause ya problems no more.

Profile Pro:

Dear Señor Cactus:

I put up an honest picture of myself on my dating profile, but I don’t get any offers of dates. This despite the fact I’ve been matched with plenty of guys and have exchanged several emails. Are guys just interested in looks?

Michele, 24, Cornell U

Dear Clueless at Cornell:

Cactus say, of course not! Men just sit around all day waiting ta hear about yer day! They love to talk about shoes and home decorating and who ya like on American Idol! Men especially like it when you talk about your friends and their relationships and how they can apply to yours! Looks?! Are you crazy mon? Men don’t care for looks or sarcasm!

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Jan21

Twitter In Focus: cherrybombnyc

by tonyd on January 21, 2009 at 1:06 am

Hey bros:

TIF is a big hit! So it’s time once again to continue to feed media it’s own tail. Our contestant this week is cherrybombnyc

January 6th, 5:42pm: “Color me sexually frustrated.”

I find it interesting that hot girls are sexually frustrated. Is it because they are so hot they are too intimidating for most guys? Or is it when you can get laid whenever you want, having an off day is sexually frustrating? I can’t imagine this woman would have a problem.

Yea haw.

January 8th, 9:10am: “Should I give up, or should I just keep chasing pavements?”

Is she looking for a job?

January 8th, 6:15pm: “Archery lessons, thank god”

You can take archery in New York City? What do you shoot at? Taxis?

January 9th, 9:11am: “ There is a darkness deep in you / a frightening magic I cling to”

She’s quoting something. About who. My guess it’s about herself.

January 9th, 10:51am: “Really stoked about my photo shoot tomorrow. I’m about to unleash some scandal on North Cackalack…and the greater Dirty South!”

Photo shot? Nice! We’re stoked too Cherrybomb.

January 9th, 2:07pm: “Cherry Bomb is no words, just heart”

Yeah, I think that other quote is about herself. Gotta be conceited on some level to talk about yourself in the third person. I know Tony does when Tony does it.

January 9th, 6:07pm: “When I move, you move”

Bossy little minx, isn’t she?

January 11th, 4:55pm: “I’m going home, gonna load my shotgun, wait by the door and light a cigarette”

This chick has a lot of weapons. I think she may be paranoid.

January 12th, 10:13am: “Silently ”

Yeah, I sometimes forget to finish my sentences that early in the morning.

January 13th, 8:57am: “There is a darkness deep in you. A frightening magic I cling to.”

Jeez, she’s repeating herself worse than Mitch Hedberg during a monologue.

January 13th, 5:53pm: “You know it’s just too little, too late”

January 14th, 10:27am: “You say you dream of my face/ but you don’t like me/ you just like the chase”

Your face is pretty awesome, but trust me, there are other parts to dream about.

January 14th, 12:19pm: “Cold and beautiful. That’s winter here”

January 15th, 8:52am: “Chasing pavement”

Wait a minute, I knew she was too hot. She’s a bot!

January 15th, 1:39pm: “Earth calms fire.”

January 16th, 2:31pm: “You don’t like me / you just like the chase”

Yep, definitely a bot.

January 16th, 2:33pm: “JoJo provides this afternoon’s inspiration. I can’t argue”

Yeah, well, maybe you should fire JoJo. JoJo repeats his inspiration a lot. Oh, well. No complaints here, Cherrybomb. You are hot. Reading your thoughts may not be scintillating, but you got plenty of pics. And isn’t it more important the bros have plenty to wank to? Hooray for Burlesque.

I give cherrybombnyc a 7 for Style (her blog is pretty awesome), a 3 for Mustness (she repeats herself) and a 7 for Insanity (you got to be a little nuts to post so many half naked pics of yourself). That’s an overall score of 5.6, but I’ll give you an additional 1.4 for your awesome pics, so let’s make a 7.

└ Tags: cherrybombnyc, Twitter in Focus

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Jan15

Frat Boy At the Movies: The Wrestler

by tonyd on January 15, 2009 at 2:50 am

The Wrestler is a gritty, blood-soaked movie that will leave pretty drained. It’s like the most depressing side of New Jersey and the 80’s packed into a two-hour movie.

(Spoiler) Mickey plays Randy, a Hulk Hogan-esque professional wrestler who is far past his prime. They don’t exactly tell you how Randy lost all his money or if he even made any when he was famous. Marisa Tomei plays an aging stripper that’s Randy’s friend. She’s sort of in the same boat: past her prime, looking at a long hard slog til the end of her days.

She is very naked in this movie, bros. No bush, but you get to see her rack quite a bit. I found myself missing her rack in some of the scenes. (It is kinda despressing.) The only line that doesn’t really ring true is when one of the patrons at the club complains she’s too old. She may be, but she’s in awesome shape.

Full disclosure: I have some bias here. I’m from New Jersey. SOUTH Jersey. And most of this is shot further north, where everywhere looks like Atlantic City before the casinos. Parts were shot in deteoriating Asbury Park. (Nice choice, by the way.) It’s not that I don’t like north Jersey, but seeing the sleaze in my own backyard combined with kind of a downer of a storyline, just puts me on edge. I just don’t like to see it, not that it isn’t a great place to shoot a movie. Just seems so negative, somehow.

That being said, Mickey puts himself through the ringer for this film. The backstage of professional wrestling rings very true and some of the best moments are when they show you some of the tricks of the trade. Steroids, pain pills, razor blades and stuff from the dollar store are all in the mix. It’s also funny to watch the wrestler hate each other in the ring and then talk friendly backstage.

Ultimately, Randy’s journey falls a little flat for me, only because director Darren Aronofsky jams some of the key events together a little too fast. I also hated the camera following Randy from behind for the first third of the film. Drove me nuts. Still, it’s an intense film, well-crafted, with excellent performances all around and plenty of boobies.

I give this movie 10 out of 10 keggers for titty-related scenage and 8 out of 10 keggers overall. Wrestling fans will love this and movie fans will wonder, why doesn’t Mickey Rourke do more movies?

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Jan14

Twitter In Focus: ApathyAngel

by tonyd on January 14, 2009 at 1:06 am

Bros:

Let’s face it. Our attention spans are shrinking. There was a time when people read books for days, listen to radio for hours, watched TV for minutes or cruised the Internet before heading out for the evening. These days, who has time for all THAT? We’re multitaskers and we’re multitasking. While you’re reading this you’re no doubt eating, watching a movie and trying to download the fucking Facebook app everyone’s using. Here at Twitter in Focus, we’re watching media die. Today’s short attention span target for 15 seconds of fame is ApathyAngel.

January 11th, 9:04pm: “apparently i had night terrors when i was little i remember going to the sleep lab bc we thought they were seizures they hooked me up to”

January 11th, 9:06pm: “wires, City of Lost Children style http://i42.tinypic.com/6qbm… i still have them – hence spider dreams i always think are real”

Poor AA has some issues, but its interesting how people make their issues so public on Twitter. You have to wonder if they are over dramatizing them or looking for sympathy. Earlier her reaction to spiders was more intense:

January 11th, 8:58pm: @MagicMax NOOOOO!!!! i HATE spiders!!

Guess you’d have to blame her friend for bringing up the spiders.

January 11th, 9:15pm: “i also used to sleepwalk like crazy and talk in my sleep (still do)”

You must’ve been one sexy somnambulist, AA. Although as pale as you look, one might’ve mistook you for a really hot zombie. But hey, that’s okay. Me and Count Steve love the Goth chicks.

January 12th, 11:40am: “laying in bed REALLY need to pee but too lazy to walk down the hall to the bathroom ARGH life is so difficult!”

As a writer that gets up at the crack of noon, I feel your pain, AA. I feel your pain.

January 12th, 1:40pm: “managed to snag a dr’s appt this afternoon woo!!!!”

January 12th, 4:45pm: “falling aslep in the waiting room…been here an hour already *yawn*”

Here we are following her day. I feel like we’ve been carried along. Oh, did I mention? AA is a nude model, burlesque performer, gogo dancer and “all around TROUBLE”. For some reason, her journal link is broke, you can see some of her nude pics here. It makes following her that much better. I’m picturing her walking everywhere with those tassles.

January 12th, 5:04pm: “currently being poked, proded, & not believed! doctors are AWESOME!”

What is it about doctors that they never seem to believe women? I once whined so bad to my doctor, he saw me within two hours and I had drugs in hand within four.

January 12th, 7:58pm: “FUCK LIFE idiot dr. forgot to write out a paper script for the antibiotics and the pharmacy has to order the other shit so I’M STILL SCREWED”

Rough day, AA. Maybe if you wore more clothes you wouldn’t get sick so often. Nah, forget I said that.

January 12th, 8:10pm: “taking out my latent anger on these here veggie corn dogs”

Delicious and could be sexy.

January 12th, 8:10pm: “WHY IS MY GUNT SO ITCHY?!?!?”

Not as sexy. Or spelled correctly.

16 hours ago: “enjoys picking eye crusties what can I say it has a calming effect yes I’m OCD”

Oh, right. No, antibiotics.

4 hours ago: “current number of Coolatas consumed :2 and counting”

Caffeine will help.

2 hours ago: “Vice is looking for contortionists for a shoot just sent them a bunch of pics of poses feeling really loosened up!!”

Too many Coolatas, AA. Plus your still sick.

Clearly hanging with a nude model is a mixed bag, bros. AA really needs to take better care of herself and has a complexion that leaves her maybe one pint of blood short. Still, for Twitter, she doesn’t seem too self-obsessed. Where’s the trouble, AA? I don’t see it. Unless maybe it’s that itchy GUNT.

└ Tags: ApathyAngel, Twitter in Focus

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