Braux Pas: (bro paw) noun: 1) An action which is both simultaneously typical of a bro, yet stupid. 2) A saying which is bro-ish but would not help you get laid.
Case in point: Saturday night. The missus and myself were eating at a typical NJ bar and grille establishment. Almost immediately upon sitting down we realized that a couple sitting behind us were chatting loudly and the dialogue made it clear that it was their first date. In between my trips to and from the salad bar, I caught a glimpse of a bro with a backward baseball cap, polo shirt with the color turned up, sneakers and jeans. His date, a hot little blonde with shoulder length hair and a low cut blouse.
I thought, “Good for you, bro. Good for you.” But as the first date continued, the bro made many a “braux pas” during the course of the meal. Below is just a sampling. I share this with you, fellow bros, so you do not make the same mistakes my friend did.
The first thing I noticed was that the bro dominated the conversation. He talked a lot about his favorite movies and music. His date seemed to go along with most of what he had to say. Right away, the missus and I concluded one thing, “He was going to get laid unless he said something stupid.” Just like the Wanda Sykes bit, most women make up their minds whether or not they are going to have sex with you in the first five seconds. His date had decided to fuck him, it was clear. It was confirmed when she talked about how her ex “wasn’t that tall”. My bro was measuring up, but would he blow it?
So his favorite movies, he mentioned a few good ones. It was a typical list of action movies. He listed Bad Boys (was okay) and Bad Boys 2 (really?). But he really hit gold when he mentioned the Saw movies. His date apparently loved them. Can’t say I can vouch for the cinema tastes of these two, but different strokes and all. Blonde girl lit up and said something like, “I love Jigsaw! I want to marry him!”
Whoa, braux pas. First, Jigsaw is a fictional character. You can’t marry him. Second, if you could, the guy is a sick, sick serial killer. The bro acknowledged this. I could hear him rearranging the pecking order of where blondie would go in his head, but he soldiered on.
After a talk about music, he finally screwed up. First, he admitted he was 30. Bro, c’mon. Backwards baseball cap and collar up? At 30? Rule of thumb, if you’ve been off campus for more than four years, it’s time to start dressing that way, especially for the ladies. Now, I had to hand it to him, he was with a hot blonde that was clearly going to do him. She was either young, a poor vetter or sought out an aging frat boy that she could bang and then dismiss or perhaps wave in front of her ex. But let’s move on.
Second braux pas: The hat monologue. Bro started talking about why he wore the hat. “I don’t like taking care of my hair, ya know. This way I go out and put the hat on and I don’t have to worry about it.” Big braux pas. You just admitted to a chick that hygiene wasn’t your top priority. Not a good thing to say on a first date. I mean, at some point, this chick might have her nose in your pubes. If you don’t care about the hair on you head, then she might conclude it’s a nightmare down there. You don’t want her thinking that way, bro.
Fortunately, he plied her with plenty of beer and quickly changed the subject about his hat. Later, he excused himself to hit the rest room and he passed by the table. Now he had turned his hat toward the front of his head, but left it cocked sideways. Braux pas number three! Dude! You are not a rap gangster. You are an aging frat boy that enjoys rap. Big difference. Rap gangsters get invited to Snoop Dogg’s crib to chill with the homies. Aging frat boys chill at home with the dog playing GTA4. Check your pants, bro. Unless there is a glock in the back of your pants or a large black dick in the front, you are not a rap gangster. Keep you skanky hat turned backwards.
But despite his many braux pas, blondie was determined to get some action. I have to hand it to her. She was either very focused on her goal or mired in the “bad boyfriend” gene. Let this be a lesson to all you bros, though. Beware the braux pas.
